Wolf and Bunny: Resurgence

First, can I just say how excited I am as a word nerd that I get to use fucking resurgence as a title for a new entry. Happy sighs all around.

Bunny and I have reconciled and recommitted to working things out. We have learned that it’s not just her trauma response of shutting down, but also I have one of my own that needs to be addressed and managed as well. Due to the years with ex-wife number two and TLMB, I have come to treat any argument, disagreement or even a conversation that starts off as perceived negativity as a warzone. I do say perceived because it’s my perception most of the time. Bunny actually said in a recent conversation that she wasn’t fighting with me and that made me realize I am not as healed as I thought I was. I immediately drop into a defensive stance and get ready to defend and attack.

Going forward, I’ve restructured our rules to account for her shutdown responses and my warzone response. We’ve both want each other and what the other offers. She is still my peace and in reconciliation, I love her even more than before. I am so used to people quitting when things get hard. It’s so nice to have a return of investment.

And with that, I’ll leave you with the first song she gave to me. Much love, my friends. Your advise, guidance and support means the world to me.

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom: On Protectors, Mentors and Foster Daddies

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom are essays, instruction pieces, and sometimes rants. I write and even text, like I talk in real life and I’m here today speaking from the heart. I offer my opinions and insights that I have gained from fifteen years of experience and through trial and error. If I offer insight, it is from the mindset of my Dominant philosophy, which is primarily that of Daddy Dom. I use the pronouns I am comfortable with, but please swap your pronouns where you feel comfortable. The lifestyle welcomes all of you. Welcome to Wonderland.

You see it on Fetlife some times and rarely mentioned in groups anymore: twuesub69 protection thiccdickDom666. What does it mean though? In the ye olde glory days, when a new member would join a Leather Community, they would gain protection of a Leather family. Within that frame of reference of protection, there were also strict protocols that covered BDSM and life based decisions while the new member of the Leather Community learned the ropes. While appreciated then, it’s return would be much valued now, if done like it used to be. Today, I see all too many “protectors” or even more loathsome still “Foster Daddies” running rampant in our various online communities.

So what is a protector supposed to be? Well, to be perfectly frank about it, it’s just like what it sounds like. A protector is supposed to ensure the safety of a submissive. They help screen and vet would be suitors, help find research, help educate and are like a gatekeeper for the submissive. While not exactly a mentor, they can definitely fulfill mentoring roles, but if your protector is on the opposite side of the slash from you, I personally discourage mentoring and we’ll get to more of that later. A good protector separates their wants and needs for what’s best for the submissive and for what the submissive wants and needs. Some protectors did and should still do, in my opinion, vet any suitor Dom before the submissive finds. That’s not to say that the submissive couldn’t vet with her protector, but the protector’s primary role is to be her defense against predators, especially in the case of those new to the lifestyle. This can and should extend into real life beyond the realm of our groups. An experienced protector can show the new sub the protocols of their local dungeon, screen potential play partners and be present for said play. 

Being a protector isn’t something that one should consider lightly. They should be experienced and understand the implications of what they are about to commit to. The prospective sub seeking a protector should vet their protector. Almost all of their questions should be experience based. By protecting someone, in its very nature, there would be a small element of power exchange involved in this relationship, but only in regards to protection and caring for the submissive. Rules, structure and punishments should never enter this level of dynamic. It is not the protector’s job to be the Dom. There should be clear and negotiated parameters for the expected protection and what the protector is protecting the sub from. 

One good example I found of a protector was a Domme that took a new sub underwing. The new sub had a problem telling perspective partners no and was getting in too deep and not recuperating enough. The Domme, after a long conversation with the sub, took her underwing and screened all potential play partners ensuring they were not pursuing the sub for just sex. In the end, the Domme relinquished her protection over the sub when the sub found a partner that wanted her for just more than play and was willing to actually be her Dom.

What about mentoring? As I had mentioned above, mentors should be on the same side of the slash that you reside on. This is purely an ethical standpoint. A Dominant can only teach a submissive how to be a good submissive for him. Not all Dominants have the same wants or needs. How do you find a mentor in our internet world? Well if you’re submissive, it’s a lot easier sadly. There are several good submissive only Facebook groups out there, some of them even leaning heavily on Old Guard traditions. I’ve been asked a few times if I would mentor a sub and I’ve told them no and pointed them either to submissives I trust or more recently, ‘networked’ groups that I know they’ll get a decent lifestyle education. Generally speaking, someone seeking mentorship should just ask their prospective mentor if they would be willing to consider it. Rarely do those offering mentorship have good intentions. 

A good mentor is someone who is experienced in the lifestyle and yes, you should vet them too. They can teach you the ropes, show you articles and essays and even help you find a local community if you haven’t already. The mentee needs to assess their own needs and what they want to develop in themselves and then identify a suitable mentor. A good mentor is someone you will feel comfortable talking to, someone you can trust and build trust with and someone who has knowledge in the areas you want to develop. For example, a mentee wants to learn rope play, they would go find a rigger.

I am so loath to even talk about Foster Daddies, but here we go… You see it pop up from time to time in the DDlg groups and I got to say, well over half of what I’ve seen and interacted with is highly predatory. That is not to say that there aren’t good and legitimate Foster Daddies out there. I am saying that I’ve yet to meet one. If you’re set on having a Foster, vet them. For the love of everything holy, vet them like you would a potential Dom or Daddy Dom. You get a single red flag, run. The chance of being groomed while you’re supposed to be feeling safe and protected is so very high, I can’t in good faith recommend it.

In an ideal world, if this worked, you would vet the potential Foster Daddy. You would negotiate for what structure and rules you needed and would negotiate any and all punishments. Personally, I don’t think there should be any structure from anyone who isn’t your Dom, but that’s neither here nor there. Just like with a protector. there should be no sexy time with a Foster. Again, in case you didn’t read that correctly: THERE SHOULD BE NO SEXY TIME WITH A FOSTER DADDY. Ethically, he or she shouldn’t have an interest in your princess parts. Their role should be to provide structure while you find a forever Daddy. They should act like a protector in all other regards, including vetting your potential Daddy with you and I do say with you. Even if it doesn’t appear like you’re a part of the conversation with the potential would-be, you need to be in the know and should be able to direct questions.

How to be the Best Dom for your submissive

I would have given much for advice like this when I was starting out. I learned a lot the hard way, through trial and error. This is sound advice for any new Dominant.

BoundYou

This topic would been a masterpiece for me to say the most. I have been a Dom from a very early experience actually by a very submissive individual some 20 years ago. With now just over 15 years of experiences with numerous submissive. They just come and go as life progresses. I’m actually still searching for a submissive to call my own and her to call me Master/Sir for a longer years of relationship. My previous longest relationship with a submissive was 7 years. We departed when she had a golden opportunity to work overseas. Though at that time, we still kept in touch, we gradually churn to our own lifestyle.

So what type of a Dom am I? To do that, let me explain further on What is a Dom and how to be one.

What is a dom?

A dom (or dominant) is a man or woman who…

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One of the Hardest Things

One of the hardest things is saying goodbye. There is never a right time it seems. It always hurts. Sometimes though, you have to do it for your own well-being.

Storm is a sappy boy.

I’ve sat at this blank screen for what seems like forever. Trying to formulate thoughts, never mind coherent sentences. There is a lot of hurt and confusion. In the end, it’s just a jumbled mess, isn’t it? You try to analyze, breakdown, tear apart and find the root reasons for things, but sometimes, you can’t find one. Undoubtedly, in time, I will figure out some lessons and walk away with with those lessons in heart, but today, friends… today is not that day. Today is a day of comfort foods. Fried chicken and carrot cake is what the doctor has ordered. Fuck me, if that Southern upbringing doesn’t come through.

In the mean time, it’s time to practice what I preach. Self-betterment and all that. Since getting to the gym is hard right now, I have ordered the start of a home gym and even though it’s cold I will keep up my exercise routine and continue to walk as much as possible. I’ve got a lot of reading to do too and definitely will be working more on that in the coming future.

I am tired. There isn’t time to rest though. The work day has started and I need to get to it. Time to put the coffee on.

Love for the Unowned

Survive Being Little and Unowned

A common trend I’ve been noticing is littles finding themselves suddenly out of a dynamic, lost, confused and have no idea what to do. It’s understandable. Even if they were unhappy or in an unhealthy dynamic there was at least structure and rules in place to help them and guide them along. Suddenly they find themselves in the world left all alone and even as a Daddy Dom, the world can be a big and terrifying place. Just because you find yourself unowned doesn’t mean you can’t still provide self-care and in providing your own structure to your life, you can still find a little solace while you’re on the mend. 

If you find yourself in this dark and seemingly terrible place, you still have value. You still have worth. You’re still worthy of being loved. Take the time to breathe. I know that it’s scary. It hurts. You can’t breathe. I promise you, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not a freight train. Sometimes the tunnel can be long and bendy, but it’s there. You’ll make it through this.

Maintain or set up a routine. Get up by a certain time, go to bed by a certain time. You may not have a Daddy to help remind you anymore, but you can still do this. According to Brad Brenner of the Therapy Group of NYC, maintaining a routine will help you cope with your anxiety, it helps combat burnout and promotes healthy lifestyle habits. Put alarms in your phone if you need help with this. A wake up alarm, a reminder to eat by noon alarm, alarms for your medicine (if applicable), bedtime alarms. Put in an alarm for whatever you need, name it and hold yourself accountable. You can do this. Even if it’s the only thing you can do, it’s a start.

Lean on your friends and community. Your friends care about you. Lean on them to weather through this storm and if you don’t have friends you can talk to about your lifestyle, lean on your community. Most of the groups are so very supportive and many know what you’re going through and a few may be going through it themselves. Whether you realize it or not, there are people who care about you. You may feel like it, but you’re not alone.

Smile. I know this one is going to be hard, I struggle with it too when I’m sad. Even if you have to fake it, when you pass by a mirror, stop and smile at yourself. A recent study by the researchers at the University of Kansas found that even if you fake a smile, it legitimately reduces stress and will lower your heart rate. Dr. Murray Grossan, an ENT-otolaryngologist in LA even says that smiling can increase your immune system. When you’re depressed your immune system is lowered. “When you smile, the brain sees the muscle [activity] and assumes that humor is happening.” Even fake smiles can help. You’re gonna get through this. And I know it sounds silly, you’ll probably feel silly doing it, I know I did until I made it a routine. You can even add daily affirmations to this routine.

Work on self-betterment. I know this probably seems like common sense, but get therapy. You don’t even have to leave your own home anymore to see a therapist. Many insurance providers now, thanks to the post-pandemic world, provide access to many online-counseling portals where you can get therapy over web meetings. Heal yourself. Everyone has at little bit of trauma by this point in our lives. Fix yours. It took a lot for me to seek out help. I started with mental health Tiktok and when I felt comfortable with that, I branched out and got an actual therapist. Learn to be happy again and you will find things falling into place in your personal life. If you want to hit the gym, hit the gym. Even if it’s just for cardio or toning, even limited exercise has been proven to impact depression, anxiety, reduce stress and help you sleep better at night. Do something you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t for whatever the reason. Even if it’s something small. Go do it. Take a personal adventure and get it done. Pamper yourself. Get your nails done. Find some small thing that helps you feel better about yourself. For me, it’s the small things that matter the most.

It may not feel like it now, but I promise it’s not hopeless. Stay hopeful. You’re going to get through this. You’re going to be okay. The universe, God, the gods… whatever bigger thing you believe in has a way of bringing you what you need. It’s almost like a universal truth. Be your own positive force and good things will start to come your way. You got this. You’re going to get through it. It may not like seem like it now, but you’re going to be okay.

30 Days of Dominance: Day 30

The Wolf Within

Today’s discussion questions: Is your need to be Dominant being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and be happy and content without being able to express your Dominance in the way that feels best to you? What makes being a Dominant special to you?

As of right now, my needs are not being fully met, and that’s okay. Bunny and I are LDR and we do what we can for the time being. Whether or not I have a submissive does not change my core values or my true self. I almost didn’t return to the lifestyle after my last relationship. She was a narcist and manipulator and claimed to be something she wasn’t. She almost completely destroyed me. It is from those ashes that I’ve rebuilt myself. Not the same man I was before, but better, reforged, evolved even, into something new entirely.

I found myself again in these essays and editorials and I am not willing to let my true self fade back into nonexistence. I am beyond happy in refinding myself and even an ex made a comment on how she saw a return to my old self. It’s like watching the world pass you by in black and white. Then slowly, like a film noir flick, color begins seeping into being. Before you know it, the whole world is awash in 4k HD color. I can’t go back to black and white. I refuse to. 

Being Dominant is enabling. It gives me the tools and mindset to tackle anything life throws at me. I am an emotional being and I didn’t use to always be so. Finding and rekindling my Dominance has given me the ability to master myself and in so doing, master my surroundings and day to day life. I know my identity no matter what life throws at me, I know how I should respond and usually do it without even thinking about it. I take care of my business. I organize chaos. It’s a great comfort when mentally lost or when confronting something new giving myself over to the Wolf within and following that natural lead. For the second time in my life, I’m looking in the mirror and am liking the man who is staring back at me. I am the Wolf.

This series has helped heal a broken mind. It helped me pick up the scattered pieces. It enabled me to make new and dear friends. I hope that it helped you, in some way, as it helped me.

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom: My little, My Heart

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom are essays, instruction pieces, and sometimes rants. I write and even text, like I talk in real life and I’m here today speaking from the heart. I offer my opinions and insights that I have gained from fifteen years of experience and through trial and error. If I offer insight, it is from the mindset of my Dominant philosophy, which is primarily that of Daddy Dom. I use the pronouns I am comfortable with, but please swap your pronouns where you feel comfortable. The lifestyle welcomes all of you. Welcome to Wonderland.

I’ve received more than a few requests for the little companion to Daddy is God… or at Least He Should be. Every dynamic is different, so I will try and paint in broad strokes what I think all littles/middles/babygirls and boys should strive for, without invalidating anyone. As always, what works for one, will not work for another. Going forward, to keep things simple and to not have to pen endless characters, I will only be addressing the little title. This is not to exclude middles or babygirls or baby boys. Swap the titles of the roles to fit your needs.

What is a little? In DDlg, a little is at the heart of everything else: submissive. Being submissive can be limited to sex, but in the realm of BDSM, sex isn’t always included. There are non-sexual relationships. A lifestyle submissive versus a bedroom submissive is going to very wildly in how they express their submission, but at the core of who they are, the submissive is consensually obedient and compliant to their partner and is someone that has exchanged part or full control of their daily lives to their Dominant. They crave, need, desire to serve and to be used. They strive to please their Dom in all things, just not sexually. It is not uncommon for a submissive to feel utterly devastated when they perceive a failing or disappoint in their Dominant.

Littles are more than just submissive. Littles also embody the pure childlike youthfulness and innocence of their inner child. They look to their Daddies/Mommies for guidance, leadership and even friendship. They desire to be looked after, cared for, and protected. Some littles age regress. Some littles engage in age play. Some littles do neither. That doesn’t matter. At their core of who they are, they express their truest self with childlike qualities. 

Littles should be needy. What? How crazy is that? One of the common worries that you can see a little express is that they’re too needy. To that, I say bullshit. Daddies need your neediness. Through your neediness, you express the need and want for your caregiver. You cannot be too much. It is okay to express it. After a long and hard day, by all means, crawl into your Daddy’s lap and just be. Decompress. Let the worries and stress and fears fade away. What’s that? You think you’re too big for Daddy’s lap? Nonsense. Curl up on the couch or bed and lay your head on his lap. He will play with your hair and let you unwind. You’re home now. You’re safe.

Littles should be expressive. Tell us what you’re feeling. It’s okay to struggle with the words. It’s okay to be non-verbal. You can still relate to us what you’re needing or feeling. Littles, just like Daddies, should be patient and kind. Sometimes, we have a hard time understanding when you reach states on non-verbal expression. Even if we have to turn it into a guessing game, we’ll get to the root of it. Just as much as you want to be cared for, we want to care for you. So tell us. Express yourself how best you can. Tell us about your exciting day. Let us know why you’re sad. Share with your Daddy your inner fears. We’re gonna talk through it. We’ll listen. Your Daddy is going to validate you. And it’s okay to cry. We’ve got tissues, hankies, or you can even soak Daddy’s shirt in your tears. It’s going to be okay.

Littles should be supportive, compassionate and affectionate. Your Daddy needs your help too. Be his safe place. His peace. His happy place. For many Daddies, you are who we will turn to when the world has worn us down. Cuddle him. Lay his head on your lap. Give him all the kisses. You should reciprocate the love your receive from caregiving to your caregiver. Saying thank you goes a long way, showing it goes even further. Use your love languages and show him what he means to you. Through your affection, however you express it, you validate your Daddy.

Good littles include their Daddies in the journeys. A good Daddy is going to want you to show us what you like, are interested in, and what makes you happy. You wanna go on crazy adventures to the zoo or park? So do we! We are just as much invested into your little self as you are and we’re going to support it. Whether it’s helping you achieve your goals or coloring with you in littlespace, we want to be there.

Good littles are good girls. Now, before I get burned at the stake or skewered with a pitchfork, calm down. I’m not saying you can’t be bratty, for those of you that feel the need to brat. That’s not what I’m speaking to. Good littles are good girls. You want to please your Daddy. How you do it is entirely up to you. At the root of DDlg, every little wants their Daddy’s approval. That means there are rules, protocol or structure set in place and those rules are to be followed. The structure that is set in place should always be to support you. To bring your best self out to the forefront. You may not always see it and that’s okay. Your Daddy most certainly does. 

DDlg is the most pure, loving and symbiotic lifestyle dynamic I’ve even seen. Both partners need the other so completely and fully to be able to express their true selves and in the expressions of their roles are able to find the fulfillment of their need and love. DDlg is highly individualized and complex when you get into the individual dynamics, but at the end of the day, it boils down to a girl loving her Daddy and a Daddy loving his girl.

30 Days of Dominance: Day 29

Pain and Humiliation

Today’s discussion questions: Is pain or humiliation part of your Dominant expression? What is your relationship to pain and humiliation? Do you embrace it as part of your Dominance, inflict it reluctantly or have some other type of relationship with it?

The warm, slow burn of a welt rising. The aching, cool reminder of a bruise from a previous play session. Pain. It triggers so much for so many different people. A common misconception is that being in this lifestyle you have to like inflicting or receiving pain. Newsflash: You don’t. There are gentle/soft Doms and even submissives who don’t aren’t masochists. Gasp. I know, right? For myself and my sub, I’m gonna lovingly and diligently beat that ass, mark her flesh and physically remind her who she belongs to. She is Mine.

Commanding her crawl to you; having her remove her panties in a public restroom and walk with them in hand back to the restaurant table; having her kneel before you as you lecture her on the value of her submission and why it’s important to follow the rules; all of these are excellent ways to express your Dominance and subtly humiliate your sub without going over the top in humiliating her. Not all subs respond to humiliation or like it. For me, it took a long time to acknowledge I liked the humiliation side of BDSM. I struggled with it. A man shouldn’t want to humiliate the woman he loves. Oh yeah? Well what if she craves it as much as you crave sadism? You learn to like humiliation. I am not so much into the heavier sides of humiliation and degradation. As a Daddy Dom, my role is to build up, not tear down.

I do embrace pain and humiliation as part of my Dominance. As always, it’s sculpted to the needs of my sub. Humiliation for me, is a game I like to play in private to semi-public. Something that’s just shared between the two of us. Anymore than that conflicts greatly with my Daddy Dom core values as I previously mention. I’m a nurturer and caregiver. But the pain? Mmmmm. The delicious, ravenous need to inflict my mark on her tender flesh? The emotions involved with inflicting my mark is so beyond euphoric I have difficulty describing it. It’s like the rush from mastering some new skill and the excitement of watching her strip for my pleasure all rolled up into one exciting high. It is blissful in every since of the word.

A small rant on lifestyle Facebook groups and Fetlife

Red flags I notice in Facebook lifestyle groups and Fetlife

It is both predatory and alarming as fuck to me when I see other “Doms” only interact within their community on introduction posts or seeking posts. I work from home, so I have a lot of down time and I get to notice things like this. I often wonder if they think they’re being clever or that their behavior is unnoticed. It’s especially telling when we share multiple groups together and I can start seeing that their only activity in multiple groups is over seeking behavior with no other group involvement, be in in actual discussions or even just commenting on a funny meme or quip.

Another red flag I see a lot comes from the sub types. There’s usually two or three in every group, but they’re constantly posting attention seeking posts in the form of “Life is so hard without a Daddy,” “Why can’t I find a Daddy.” “I’m thinking about leaving the group because I can’t find my Dom.” Every once in a while, I could understand. After all, the heart wants what the heart wants. I completely understand that. Few people want to be alone. This is a red flag because it’s a constant thing from these s-types. It’s the same person throwing a pity party with negative attention seeking behavior.

I spent some time scouting around this week as well on Facebook looking for new DDlg groups and it was fucking awful. I got into four or five groups and left all of them. One was so bad, it was actually just a front for OnlyFans content. Most of them allowed almost nothing but seeking posts, which I honestly don’t have a problem with, but keep it contained. If every single post I scroll through is basically a Tinder snapshot, I can already tell I will find little value in your group.

The same kind of bullshit is still happening over on Fetlife. I reactivated my account today and was doing some profile maintenance/cleanup and then started looking into research for one of my upcoming essays and you have to dig so deep through the bullshit there, it’s almost not worth it. Where did all the good groups go? Like it was going downhill when I left the lifestyle five years ago, but now, it’s just a massive cesspit of bad information and dick pics. Silver lining on Fetlife is I finally found a local active community. I’ll be slowly feeling that out. The last time I went to a local event, I was living in California and left unimpressed.

30 Days of Dominance: Day 28

Failures and Lessons Learned

Today’s discussion questions: Has your Dominance ever failed you? Have you ever been criticized or received negative feedback for your Dominance? Have you ever regretted your actions or emotions as a Dominant either in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and, if so, what lessons did you learn and how did you apply them?

My Dominance has never failed me. I would say that I, however, have failed it. Allowing my dynamic to drop with my ex-wife has to be one of the biggest mistakes I allowed to be made in our marriage. It is one of many lessons that I’ve taken to heart. While we may not have been great for each other, at least we both walked away with those hard lessons learned. To paraphrase something she recently said to me, we held each other up through some of the roughest and toughest times either of us had known, and while we may not have been perfect for each other, we did succeed in preparing each other for our separate futures. Whatever paths she treads, I hope she finds them peaceful and favorable.

I’ve never gotten negative feedback for my Dominance until I emerged into the online community. My approach has been called weak and soft. I’ve even been accused of being a submissive for insisting on the merits of self-testing. I’ve said then and I’ll say it again, if you don’t self-test, you’re going to put your submissive in the hospital. As to the weak and soft statements, I don’t even feel the need to address them. Anyone who has read my editorials, essays or discussions on corporal and mental punishments knows that I’m a strict, yet loving, sadist. My unwavering words and actions more than speak for themselves.

I can honestly say that the only cause I’ve had to regret regarding my Dominance was my previous marriage. We all make mistakes. Unless we acknowledge them and address them, they will be repeated too, so it behooves us to look back and reflect if we are to grow and learn. If you’re entering into a dynamic and romantic relationship, learn from my mistake, do not let the dynamic drop. Communicate with each other and listen, let me repeat that again, listen to each other’s needs.

Regarding mistakes, I’ve definitely made some. Outside of not putting a moratorium date on breaks, I’ve forgotten to lead by example. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. I think we would all do well to remember that. I have jumped the gun when I was a younger Dom thinking I was ready for a scene before we actually were. It is paramount that if you don’t understand all of the risks or have the practical knowledge in something advanced, you do more research or take classes. As a Dominant, it is my job to protect, lead and guide and it’s something I’ve come to appreciate more and with the more experience I have gained.

I am very vocal with vetting, and as we entered the negotiation phase and consideration phase of our relationship with my current submissive, we ensure our needs were brought out and addressed. There are exhaustive lists of kinks/fetishes online. My favorite is hosted by Latches and they would be discussed, hard and soft limits established, as well as possible interests and our experience, if applicable, with them. Our common ground should be extensive and that’s very important to me. She has awoken a beast that has slumbered for too long and I love her for it.