One for the Littles, Middles and Babygirls

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom are essays, instruction pieces, and sometimes rants. I write and even text, like I talk in real life and I speak from the heart. I offer my opinions and insights that I have gained from fifteen years of experience and through trial and error. If I offer insight, it is from the mindset of my Dominant philosophy, which is primarily that of Daddy Dom. I use the pronouns I am comfortable with, but please swap your pronouns where you feel comfortable. The lifestyle welcomes all of you. Welcome to Wonderland.

This isn’t going to be pleasant. This is a rant. These words aren’t ones I want to say, but need to be said. I’m sick and tired of seeing littles cry foul. “My Daddy is neglectful.” “My Daddy is an asshole.” “I don’t know what to do, Daddy abandoned me.” “Daddy blocked me after a week.” “Daddy lied and has another little.” “Daddy keeps asking me for nudes.” “Daddy only wants me for sex.”

I’m going to ask a series of questions now. Did you vet him properly? Did you pay attention to red flags? Did you pay attention to how he talked to others before you even spoke to him? What about in your initial conversation? Did he ask for nudes quickly? Did he try and set up rules before talking about limits? I’m willing to bet the answer to at least one of those is a no in almost every single case. The problem here is three-fold. You didn’t do due diligence and didn’t vet him properly. You fell for the first guy that showed you semi-positive attention. You fell too fast and didn’t guard your heart and in so doing, ignored some red flag behavior. And unfortunately, you got hurt. I’m truly sorry for that.

You’re submissive, not a doormat. Nobody else is going to vet him for you. Nobody else is going to be paying attention to any red flag behavior in your conversations. You have to be vigilant. You have to look out for yourself. You might need to slow down. You need to protect your heart.

Some things to pay attention to and watch for: Does he avoid talking about his past? Has he ever made you question yourself? Has he ever made you feel crazy? Has he ever dismissed your feelings? Has he tried to make rules before talking to you about your needs? Does he repeatedly sexualize you? Does he have problems with accountability? Has he ever been emotionally distant? Has he tried to get you to call him Daddy before you were ready to? If he gets mad, does he redirect his anger at you? Does he want to collar you quickly? 

The above list isn’t all inclusive, but does detail some very common red flag behavior for Dominants. Please take time to research red flags. At the bottom of this editorial is going to be a link to one of the best red flag articles I’ve ever found. Please take time to read it and familiarize yourself with a good screening process. 

Now what happens if you have vetted him well and all of a sudden he is neglectful, cruel and/or emotionally abusive? From my experience, there’s something going on in his personal life and he’s not willing to open up about it or he’s struggling with how to come to terms with it. If he starts this behavior and when addressed does nothing to change it, it’s most likely been ingrained into his personality and he will do nothing to change it and no matter how patient or kind you are will change it either. You can’t fix someone that’s broken. They have to do it themselves.

Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust Your Instincts: http://www.the-iron-gate.com/essays/85

Red Flags for Daddies

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom are essays, instruction pieces, and sometimes rants. I write and even text, like I talk in real life and I speak from the heart. I offer my opinions and insights that I have gained from fifteen years of experience and through trial and error. If I offer insight, it is from the mindset of my Dominant philosophy, which is primarily that of Daddy Dom. I use the pronouns I am comfortable with, but please swap your pronouns where you feel comfortable. The lifestyle welcomes all of you. Welcome to Wonderland.

RED FLAGS

All too often articles like this are written for the submissive. This one is written for the Doms. What is a red flag? Red flags are warning signs that should immediately cause you to raise an eyebrow. They’re warning signs that should make you immediately question your prospective submissive and seek clarification. If they continue to skirt the issue or not address your question, tell them it’s a red flag issue for you. One of two things will happen: she will either answer your questions or ignore them. That said, what’s a red flag to one person can be someone else’s perfectly normal, use your own discretion. Here are a few red flags that would make me question a prospective sub (the following list has been compiled from multiple sources):

  • Does she beg to be dominated?
  • Does she constantly move or shift her boundaries? 
  • Does she say she has zero hard limits?
  • Did she ignore anything in what you said you’re looking for?
  • Can she not differentiate bratting from being a brat?
  • Does she pressure you to play before you’re ready?
  • Is she impatient in the vetting process?
  • Does she refuse to have conversations about her kinks?
  • Is she disrespectful?
  • Does she demand expensive gifts?
  • Does she get overly emotional when she doesn’t get her way?
  • Does she demand all of your time, not allowing you to spend time with friends or family?
  • Does she demand your attention even when you are too tired or sick?
  • Does she constantly demand gifts?
  • Does she frequently compare you to previous relationships?
  • Has she ever made you feel guilty about questioning something she said?
  • Have you ever caught her in a lie?
  • Has she ever used tears to influence your decisions?
  • Have you ever felt like she was hiding something important?
  • Have you ever dreaded talking to her because you felt like it would bring up an argument?
  • Has she ever threatened self harm to get her way?
  • Has she ever refused to speak about her past?
  • Does she avoid giving prompt and thorough answers?
  • Does she get upset if she’s not the center of attention?
  • Has she ever begged or tried to coherence you into doing something you’re not comfortable doing?
  • Has she ever asked you to cross your own personal boundaries?
  • Does she beg you to be her Dominant before you were ready?
  • Is she emotionally manipulative?
  • Does she lack responsibility?
  • Does she only talk to you when she’s horny?
  • Can she not maturely negotiate kinks?
  • Is she too agreeable or quick to commit?
  • Is she unwilling to research kinks and safety?

There’s always at least one that will comment on here too, well I do this and it’s not a red flag. Congratulations, your combative behavior? Red flag. While every dynamic and relationship is different, the above red flags are a great jumping off point for the new Dominant.

An Introduction to Vetting – How I Do What I Do

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom are essays, instruction pieces, and sometimes rants. I write and even text, like I talk in real life and I speak from the heart. I offer my opinions and insights that I have gained from fifteen years of experience and through trial and error. If I offer insight, it is from the mindset of my Dominant philosophy, which is primarily that of Daddy Dom. I use the pronouns I am comfortable with, but please swap your pronouns where you feel comfortable. The lifestyle welcomes all of you. Welcome to Wonderland.

For many of us, finding what we want locally isn’t going to happen. So, instead of being stuck in shallow, unhappy little stream, we go out and cast our net wide hoping to attract what we want. Notice I said attract and not ensnare. This was done for two reasons. One, from a purely Gentleman Dom perspective, it’s a matter of ethics. We don’t ensnare prospective subs. Well, not outside of the bedroom anyways. Two, despite all of our posturing, chest puffing, smooth words and charismatic presence the sub choses us. We can vet and cover all the bases, but in the end, the submissive will chose to submit or not. The following is written under the assumption that you’re participating in online communities. Also, I’m not going to cover what questions you should ask while vetting a prospective sub. There are tons of articles out there for you to look at. While you’re reading them, I’d also suggest you look at some red flag discussions/articles.

Yay! You made it this far. Here we go!

Number one: Don’t announce you’re looking. Don’t post an ad in seeking thread. If given the opportunity to make an introduction, do so. State that your relationship status (single, poly, what have you), detail your Dominant style and tendencies, list your interests (but keep it brief) and leave it alone. Why don’t you want to announce you’re looking? Does the wolf announce he’s on the prowl for prey? No. He slinks through the woods alert and watching.

Pay attention to everything. Watch your groups/boards. Pay attention to the single women and the ones advertising they’re looking. Okay, you see the overly sexual one? She’s on your permanent ignore list now. No, no. I know she’s coming off as seemingly attractive, but there’s some things you’re missing. First of all, she’s demonstrating overt attention seeking behavior. There’s a plethora of reasons why a woman would be doing that, and we’re not going to go into the psychology of it today, but if you’re wanting something serious, she’s not for you. Ignore any woman that’s immediately sexual out of the gate. Any self-respecting woman is going to be slow to show that side to you, now there are some exceptions, sure, but overt attention seeking behavior should be a huge red flag.

While you’re paying attention watch how people interact with each other. Watch how they talk. How they articulate themselves. What topics they choose reply to. What interests them? How do they talk about it? You can learn a lot just by sitting back and watching. And by all means interact. Let them get to know you too. Be playful and fun, but be respectful.

Be honest. It’s pretty fucking absurd that I even have to say that, but there it is. Don’t try and sell yourself to be something you’re not. If you’re a top, be proud in who you are. Not everyone is a Dom and that’s okay. Labels here matter. Be true to who you are. Here’s a big tip: write how you talk. The end goal is to be talking to someone more and exclusively, right? Be yourself. By writing how you talk you convey your personality and even your thought process. In being honest and writing how you talk, you create transparency. You create an atmosphere where people can get to know you and in so doing, she will feel comfortable being herself with you.

So you’re watching. Yeah, it sounds kind of creepy, but you’re also interacting with your chosen communities. You’re learning about your environment and prospective subs and they’re learning about you. Watch consistently and for a while before you make you move. My previous subs didn’t even know I had started the vetting process with her when approached her. We’d been taking over a month before I announced my intentions to her.

Before you announce your intentions, look her up. Search her name in your mutual groups. You’re looking for a few things. Obviously, red flag behavior; in addition, you’re going to be looking at her history of demonstrated online behavior. Yes, how she acts in private is going to be slightly different, but you’re looking for inconsistencies. You’re also looking for how often, if it all she relationship hops.

Once you make your announcement of intent to her she’ll either accept or reject your offer. If she accepts, have fun and take your time getting to know her better. Vetting should take a some time. You want to get to know them intimately. Learn what makes them tick, If she rejects your offer, don’t be rude. She’s going to tell everyone if you are. Instead, be the gentleman we both you can be, and we she speaks of you again, it only serves you better in the end.

Pay attention. Be yourself. Have fun.