30 Days of Dominance: Day 24

The Emotions of Dominance

Today’s discussion questions: What are the emotions that most directly let you access your Dominance? What feelings do they inspire?

So you’re wanting access to my headspace? You want to explore how and what I feel? Emotions have always been something I struggle with. The more complex and negative they are, the more I struggle with and dislike addressing them. It’s a part of my ADHD and alexithymia. I hope that tonight, I’ve been able to adequately express myself and peel back the curtains of some of my inner workings.

Depending on the scene I channel or access different emotions or partial emotions and mentally freeze them in place. In order to do this, I access memories and stored, compartmentalized emotions. It’s a useful ability to have in your toolbox. Not everyone can compartmentalize as well as others, but learning to be able to do it and recall what you need is an invaluable skill set in both your personal life and the lifestyle.

The cool, calm release of letting a quick flare of anger pass. The anticipation and surprise of opening an unexpected and large bonus check. The pre-relaxation state prior to getting a deep, relaxing massage. The slow-burning rage and agony over a past shortcoming. The exhilaration of reaching a new personal milestone as I max out on a power lift. The love that I bear for her. All of these feelings boil below the surface as I focus on exerting my Dominance. Just thinking about it is enough to send a shiver down my spine. 

When accessing my Dominance I feel cool, relaxed and nearly intoxicated from the euphoria it releases. I feel more confident, calm and collected as I step fully into my role as her Dominant. I even feel more focused, revitalized and powerful. I feel my true, unrepressed self come to the foreground. These feelings ebb and flow throughout the expression of my Dominance, like an excited, crashing tide pounding the shoreline. I feel and take great pride in her and marvel at her trust, love, devotion and submission.

During aftercare, I’m usually mentally and emotionally drained. Physical exhaustion isn’t uncommon after a particularly difficult scene. It is not unusual for me to feel that if I were to let go, I would melt my existence into hers. I feel at peace. Any inner demons that had been roaring during the crescendo are quieted, purring quietly in contentment. It is as if we were the only two people in a quaint little caribbean shoreline cottage, our bodies curled and entwined into one another.

The emotions of what we do are powerful, intense and addictive. I give myself so completely to these feelings and to her that they overwhelm me. These are the reasons why I don’t play partners anymore. The calming chaos of it all is so totally consuming.

30 Days of Dominance: Day 23

Questioning Your Dominance

Today’s discussion questions: Is there anything about Dominance, either your own or what you see in others, which you question, dislike or are repelled by? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own Dominant needs and desires?

This is kind of touchy isn’t it? In my style and philosophy of Dominance, there are no distastes. I am comfortable with who and what I am. It has taken me a long time to get here and I am confident in myself. As to distastes in other styles of Dominance, I can’t think of anything I find distasteful. Certain dynamics I struggle to understand sometimes, but that’s okay. It’s not my dynamic and when I have questions, I’m not afraid to ask. I’ve brought up my recent infatuation with Gorean Master/slave dynamics. So, in seeking understanding, I’ve talked to Gorean Masters and their slaves. Facebook deleted it, but there used to be an amazing Gorean group I participated in. My first mentor was a Gorean/Daddy.

There was a time I questioned my Dominance. When I first encountered BDSM all those years ago, I was beyond conflicted. I was raised in an old fashioned Southern style and the roles of men and women were clearly defined as were the way we were supposed to interact with each other. My first exposure to the lifestyle was the Master/slave dynamic of the “Story of O”. I was distraught over the very real attraction and how I was raised. It took years to become comfortable with who I am and one very patient painslut. 

In the end, I like so many others, was seduced by the dark romance of the lifestyle. The thrill of the chase, vetting and getting to know one another, the takedown of the hunt. Done correctly and honestly, you will learn more about each other and do so more intimately than any vanilla dating game you have ever played. You will learn how each other thinks and what drives and motivates your potential partner. The negotiation and agreements made all ending in the ultimate goal of obtaining her submission; I find it all to be beyond intoxicating. The seduction, consideration phase, and the fledgling steps of a new relationship are all exciting and thrilling. You begin to fully explore each other as Dom and sub. You begin to establish roots and cultivate a growing relationship. And it’s not over once she has submitted, a whole new journey is about to begin. As her trust grows, boundaries are pushed. New discoveries are made and you are drawn ever closer together.

Almost all of us had to make a strange and wonderful journey to get here. Whether you’re exploring for the first time or stumbled across this wonderful dark world by accident, take time to wander around. It’s okay to be timid and cautious. In fact, I encourage it. Research what fascinates you. Talk to those that have more experience. Keep an open mind and absorb as much as you can.

The Line in the Sand

This is something I’ve been struggling with since returning to the lifestyle. Something that has gotten me kicked out of various Facebook groups due to passionate arguments and sometimes strongly worded rants. It’s not something I will ever apologize for, unless I’m actually wrong and you can show me. I’m not arrogant enough to think I’m always right, after all.

Any time you can sneak in a Big Lewboski reference is a good time.

Going forward, I will not try to blend TNG values with my Old Guard traditionalist values. If I lose readers over it, I’m not really worried. This is for me mainly and a way for me to help others that find their way across my writing. I’ll be going back and editing some older posts over the course of the next few days to reflect this change in mindset and actually taking a stand against what I see, as a another Dominant put it, a “de-evolution” of the lifestyle I know and love.

As always, friends, I hope life is finding you well. I know a lot of us struggle with the holidays. Be kind to yourself during these times.

30 Days of Dominance: Day 22

Exude Dominance

Today’s discussion questions: Can you feel Dominant without a submissive partner? If so, how does your Dominance express itself? If not, how do you handle your need to be Dominant?

It gets said a lot, but it doesn’t make it any less true: Dominance is a mentality. You either have it or you don’t. It’s not something I, or anyone else, can teach you. Accordingly, if you can’t be Dominant in your daily life without a submissive partner, I’d wager that you’re either not walking the walk or you’re not embracing your confidence properly. Now, does a partner make you more Dominant? Oh, yes it can. The emotions and feelings released through exercising my Dominance and owning my submissive are intoxicating and borderline addictive. Her submission is one of the most empowering forces I’ve ever encountered in life. Without a submissive, how do you chase that feeling? Be Dom. If you’re broken, fix yourself. Take care of your business. When single, I am constantly striving to better myself. Through both intellectual pursuits, psychological mending and work and physical exercise. Be confident. Be yourself. Be the cool predator you know yourself to be. You’ll find her. Maybe she’ll find you. These things work themselves out.

How does my Dominance express itself? How doesn’t it? I’m charismatic, well, at least here. I am actually quite the introvert, but in my community, I feel like I am able to express my truest self and do so from a position of confidence. I’m a natural leader. I don’t force it, I don’t demand it. In almost every circle I participate in, I wind up being positioned at the top, even when I expressly state I don’t want it. I speak with authority, whether it’s from mindset or opinion, I will always speak to you from the heart and say it with my chest. I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong. If I’m unfamiliar with something, I’m not afraid to learn about it. I take charge of my daily life. I don’t suffer fools and I have little patience for willful ignorance. When approaching something new, or confronted with a problem, I examine it from all angles. I stalk it, examine it and get a good feel for it. That way, no matter what happens, I’m prepared for whatever outcome. Does that approach always work? No, of course not. You don’t always get time to analyze life, but you can use your own life experience to take charge of the unfamiliar and bend it to your will.

When not in a relationship, I exercise my mind constantly. I research more into lifestyle topics and bounce ideas of other Doms and really just get out there and explore. I work on networking and expand my circle of like-minded lifestylers and kinksters. Do I have hobbies outside of kink? Oh absolutely. I’m a huge nerd. I love competitive strategy games of all kinds, from tabletop to board games. I’m super big on friends and chosen family. Naturally, few of my friends are dominant in personality. It’s the way of things, leaders attract followers. The few “alpha” friends I do have have been fought with, battled against and found worthy. I actually hated one of my closest friends today because he was almost as Dominant as I was. It took six months for us to reach an understanding and start forming a strong friendship. Eventually, he was lost due to extremist politics, but that’s neither here no there. My memories of him will always be cherished.

Be yourself. Have fun. Learn and explore. Play safe. Play sane. Play consensual.

Who has the power in a BDSM dynamic?

Jen nails this perfectly. There’s no needed extra commentary here.

Jen of WCDT

Who has the power in a D/s dynamic? This has been a heated topic for some years. The discussion is usually accompanied with a pic of a Dom holding a leash with the sub attached to it, with the caption “Who here has the power?” Is it the Dom? He does hold the leash. How about the submissive? How can they have the power if they are on their knees being led around by the Dom..but wait isn’t our submission a gift, a gift they have to earn and we can take back at any time. Right? Well…no, not it’s not a gift.





A gift is something you give expecting nothing in return. It is also something you don’t take back. Our submission is not a gift because we expect a Dom to do what a Dom does or we aren’t happy. Our submission is a negotiated power exchange.



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30 Days of Dominance: Day 21

Positions of Dominance

Today’s discussion questions: Is there a physical position that makes you feel most Dominant? Is there a physical position you prefer your submissive to take in order to express their submission?

For me, standing over my kneeling submissive is one of the most immediately noticeable positions of Dominance. The second most topping her in sexual position. Outside of the first two thoughts, my Dominance isn’t dependent on position, but through demeanor. I feel my whole demeanor shift in a scene. Something more primal comes out to play. She already knows she is Mine. During play, the fact that she is Mine is reasserted. This feeling of ownership isn’t just cultivated through play. This ownership is asserted through how I talk to her and how I address her. I will remind her she Mine, that she has value and worth. When she pleases me or has accomplished her goals or tasks, I’ll remind her that she is my good girl.

Regarding the preferred preference, I’ve never done formal scene initiation. I’ll either leave a note or send an email or text with specific instructions to be followed regarding how she is to be prepared and ready. One of my favorites is having her slowly crawl to me. There’s just something about watching the anticipation in her eyes and the slink of her hips. There are few things more sensual to me than watching her prepare herself to submit to me for a scene.

And then there’s the whole world of Gorean BDSM. Now while I personally wouldn’t want a Master/slave dynamic, there are plenty of aspects I find appealing. Specifically, there are a ton of slave positions and they all have different meanings. The two that I find the most visually appealing are tower and nadu. In nadu, the slave kneels and sits on heels with back straight, knees widely spread, breasts/chest forward, head up, often to the left and palms resting on thighs. In the tower, as in nadu but with the thighs closed and hands resting on thighs with the wrists crossed. I find the structure of Gor to be mildly intoxicating. Maybe we’ll do a Gorean delve at some point.

30 Days of Dominance: Day 20

Changes in Dominance, Renegotiations and Kinks

Today’s discussion: Has your Dominance increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate with your submissive due to a change in feelings or circumstance? Have your interests as a Dominant expanded or contracted over time?

As I’ve grown older, my Dominance has increased. As previously discussed, I did suppress myself and let my dynamic drop with my ex-wife. In all honesty, that was probably the third biggest mistake I’ve ever made in a relationship. So in the case of her and I, it also waned. Due to the mental abuse and trauma of her narcissism, as also previously stated, I almost left the lifestyle. There was so much hurt and doubt I didn’t know if I could, let alone would, put myself out there like that again.

I have had to renegotiate. Tastes and interests change over the course of the relationship. As I’ve said repeatedly, the contract is fluid. The rules not set in stone. We may discover over the course of the relationship that what may have been a passing interest became a quick hard limit. It’s not unheard of. Especially if a scene brings deep seated triggers.

I would say that my tastes have grown more varied the longer I’ve been in the lifestyle. It’s hard not to have them expand, especially when you’re reading and researching so much. Participating in online groups pushes this further as well. I’m the type that will google something I’ve never heard of first, and then ask questions after I’ve researched and formed an initial impression.

30 Days of Dominance: Day 19

Socials and Networking

Today’s discussions: How socially connected are you as a Dominant? Do you look for others to talk to about your Dominance either for support, learning, educating or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

The fact that I’m doing these discussions should answer most of these questions today. I’ve met and come into contact with some amazing individuals on both sides of the slash and and even a few amazing couples. They’ve quickly become close friends and even a few of you have become confidants. I’ve also rehashed my old lifestyle blog and it’s really taken off thanks to a pretty big promotion from another lifestyle writer.

I think it’s very important to be socially connected. It allows me to learn and grow as a Dominant. Talking to other Doms allows me to become a better Dom too and it enables me to help other Doms through mentoring. I’m able to share ideas and learn new ideas for everything from creating or reinforcing structure and discipline to bouncing ideas around for improving or learning new punishments. Did I mention mentoring? Lol. Mentoring is amazing. Seeing the excitement and thrill of exploring and learning from new Dom is really invigorating, especially when they’ve uncovered some revelation or new idea.

I’ve not been to a local social event in ages. I went to one in the San Francisco Bay area and was completely turned off by the experience. The level of pretentiousness was really disheartening. I’m waiting for a local munch here to open up so I can see what the community is like in KC, but with the pandemic, everything has slowed to a crawl. Local events are a great, safe way to meet new people and potential partners.

Talking to folks online is an excellent way to explore and learn. Get to know yourself and explore your needs. There are some excellent articles online regarding red flags and what to look for in spotting fakes. Familiarize yourself with them. The only one that can protect you when you’re on your own is yourself.

Little Academy: How to Vet a Potential Daddy Dom

By Stormrolfr and MP

Welcome to the Little Academy. Our goal is to help you navigate the myriad of lifestyle articles, forums and websites out there and gather our collective real world experience in the lifestyle and put it at your disposal. Essays to the Little Academy will often be instructional, but always heartfelt and with all things in the lifestyle, if something doesn’t exactly fit for you, change it to where it does. Provided you’re being safe, sane and consensual, nobody has any business in telling you that you’re wrong.The pronouns and honorifics that are being used are the ones I am most comfortable with, but the BDSM lifestyle and DDlg welcomes everyone.

Today we will be discussing how to vet a potential Daddy Dom. This essay is a collaborative effort with MP. Vetting is like dating in the vanilla world, but there are slight differences. The main one being, you’re screening your potential Daddy for any red flags or warning signs that will potentially hurt you further down the road. One of the biggest heartbreaks for many seems to come from meeting too many inexperienced or fake Daddies and being let down. You have invested so much time, thought, energy and emotion into someone just to have them pull the rug out from under your feet.

Vetting requires two main areas to be discussed: Experience and Compatibility. Compatibility is less about things like favorite foods or movies, but your play styles and how your kinks match. How he is as a Daddy and how you are as a little are most important. Compatibility is about love languages and how you two communicate. Will he allow you to give him what he needs instead of forcibly taking it? Experience questions are direct. How long has he been in the lifestyle, how would he handle certain situations, how they came to be in the lifestyle are all excellent starting questions when asking him about his experience.

When discussing compatibility you can discuss sex, sexuality, monogamy, polyarmory and sexual activities here, but do not talk about sexual thigs together. I promise you that there will be plenty of that in your future, if you’re a sexual person. It’s also okay not to be, or not be sexual when being little. If he tells you to masturbate, to send racy pictures, or even nudes while you’re still in the vetting process, this is a big red flag. He will not pressure you into anything. A good Daddy is patient and kind. He wants you to feel safe and comfortable.And if you’re not sexual, your potential Daddy needs to understand and respect that boundary. 

Experience questions are direct and situational. These are the real important questions that will help you discover true Daddy Doms from the fakes. Slip these questions casually, don’t let him know he’s in the hot seat. An excellent list of experience questions are listed below, each question designed to be a stepping stone. If he doesn’t pass one, he doesn’t move on through your vetting process. 

1. How long have you been in the lifestyle?
2. Have you always been a Daddy?
3. What do you see as the difference between a Dominant, a Daddy Dom and a caregiver?
4. How long did it take you to become a Daddy?
5. Did you train or learn to become a Daddy?
6. Tell me about how you discovered you were a Daddy/Daddy Dom?
7. What moment in your experience as a Daddy stands out most?
8. Does being a Daddy pour into your everyday life?
9. Can you turn it off or on when you want to?
10. What is a day with you as a Daddy like?
11. What is a day with you not being in a Daddy role like?
12. Are there any other aspects of being a Dominant you embrace? Such as primal tendencies, pleasure Dom, etc? 
13. How do you express those other aspects with a little?
14. Have you had a little before?
15. How many littles have you had?
16. How long did each relationship last? 
17. What about other submissive types? 
18. Why did each relationship end?
19. Would any of them come back if you were available?
20. How do you punish a little?
21. Do you take away stuffies, pacies, clothing items?
22. Do you know what SSC means?
23. What does safe, sane and consensual mean to you?
24. Do you practice safe, sane and consensual as a safety philosophy, RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) or PRICK (Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink)?
25. Can you explain how you would perform aftercare?
26. What is the most difficult scene you have ever done and what did you learn from it?
27. How would you set a scene from start to finish?
28. What is a dream scene you want to do, but haven’t been able to do yet?
29. What wouldn’t you do? 
30. Would you respect my hard limits?
31. What are your hard limits?
32. How sexual do you think a little should be?
33. How important is sex and orgasms to you?
34. Do you need them?
35. Do you provide sex and orgasms to your little? And if not, why?
36. Are you willing to meet with me several times before we play together if I so choose?
37. Would you be willing to provide identification before we met?
38. Are you willing to accept that I am not your little until I make the decision to be such a person to you?
39. Are you willing to accept that I will not be submissive to you until I feel comfortable doing so?
40. How do you nurture a submissive to build trust and the desire to submit to you?
41. Do you build on what you find out about her potential?
42. Do you lay down rules for her to follow?
43. Do you provide guidance?
44. Do we do timeouts to discuss progress and problems together?
45. Do you use safewords? If so, what ones do you like to use?
46. When are they allowed?
47. How do you like them expressed to you?
48. Do you always allow for safewords?
49. Will you always respect safewords?
50. What does littlespace mean to you?
51. How do you participate in littlespace?
52. How do you take a woman out of littlespace?
53. How would you handle those with health issues? 

If your potential Daddy refuses to provide identification, run. He’s not worth your time. Your safety is paramount. At any time, if he becomes controlling or tries to make you do anything you are not comfortable with, you need to end it. A good Daddy is in control, but not controlling and there’s no excuse to be controlling in the vetting process. If he refuses to acknowledge the importance of a safeword, run fast. He is not a Dominant and he is most certainly not a Daddy. The safeword is there to protect you. Consent can always be revoked. Even if he is experienced, he may still be a predator or abuser. 

Experience is a necessary measure. Daddy Doms are supposed to guide and nurture. They can’t guide from a position of ignorance. If he gives you an answer you find questionable, ask it again by rewording it and see how he replies. A little is the most fragile part of our lifestyle. If your little is broken, just once, it can keep you from ever feeling safe or trusting again and these damages can take a long time to heal. It can also damage your ability to enter littlespace. Protect your heart and your little. There are many more questions you can ask if he gets through this round. Feel free to ask questions you have too if there were any we missed. If you are shy or embarrassed to publicly ask, message someone you trust or ask an admin in the communities you feel safe.

30 Days of Dominance: Day 18

Communication

I’ve learned a lot over the years. Some lessons were easily learned, some of them hard fought through trial and heartache. If my sub can’t express her opinion to me the relationship is doomed to fail. Have you ever talked to SAMs or littles much? You try telling one of them they can’t express their opinion and I’d wager one of two things will happen: they’ll cut you, or even worse, they’ll shut down completely.

Without communication, there are very real consequences of what will happen to any relationship. While many of us in the lifestyle agree that our D/s dynamics are easier to maintain, they require no less work than a vanilla relationship. Without communication you can’t talk about needs, you can’t negotiate a contract or rules of engagement, let alone attempt to set up any kind of domestic relationship. You have to be able to talk to each other. If you can’t talk to each other, you can’t build trust.

I expect my submissive to be able to come to me at any time with anything that’s on her mind. I go so far with it, it’s included in the very contract I’ve ever written. If she can’t come to me with a problem, concern or worry, how could she trust me to guide our relationship, let alone tie her to a spanking bench? If she can’t vocalize thoughts or needs, a journal will be kept between the two of us. In either case, when she needs to speak of fears, needs or desires, there is never a reprisal. These discussions are always kept with an open heart and mind. And more to the point regarding this misconception that the submissive loses the ability to express opinion, I want her opinion. I want her feedback. She’s my partner, one who is valued and respected. She’s not a doormat.

I am very vocal about all things. I’ve learned to express myself be it my thoughts, needs, desires or wants. The only time I’ve been known to shut down is when I’ve been neglected for so long that I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall. A voice can only cry out so much before it goes hoarse and eventually quiet. It’s in those times of quiet that I begin to distance myself. At that point, the lines of communication have degraded so badly that it will take a lot of effort on both parts to repair and reestablish healthy dialogue. It isn’t impossible, but it does take a lot of work.

It’s also worth knowing how you communicate with your partner. The Five Languages of Love offer a free test online that helps you understand how you communicate best. For example, my three strongest love languages are Quality Time, Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. In knowing how to communicate with your partner, you’re able to build bridges that you would have never thought possible. 

As always, lifestyle friends and kinksters: Play safe. Play sane. Play consensual.