Thoughts on D/s Relationships and My Experiences
This wonderful lifestyle of ours is not new to me, I’ve fully been playing in this playground for fifteen years now. I’ve been aware of my interests from a young age. At 16, my local public library had a copy of “The Story of O” and I’ve been hooked ever since. From there, I discovered the online communities of Yahoo and AOL chat. I even discovered that Craigslist had a subforum dedicated to kink. I miss the days of Kinkfo. I lived and breathed Fetlife and Collarme, as bad as the later was. I was curious, devouring as much as I could. It wouldn’t be until much later in life however, that I got to play.
When I was 22, I had just left my first wife and a failed experiment of “doing the right thing” with the mother of my child had just blown up in my face. I was starting to put it all together when a little bit of heaven fell into my life. We will call her Diana. Now, unknown to me at the time Diana was a painslut. She had been unable to find what she needed in the very large community in California and had decided to pursue a vanilla relationship with the hopes of converting some unsuspecting schmuck, that would be yours truly, into meeting her needs. From the get-go, our relationship was a whirlwind of sex and wonder. She was intelligent, witty and funny. She sparked a desire in me that, at that point in my life, I had never experienced before.
Fast forward several months. It was date night. At this point, Diana lived two hours away and spent the weekends with me, sometimes an entire week depending on her schedule. Being a full-time college student her schedule was much more flexible than mine, a department lead for a tech company. This particular weekend was especially exciting. On my commute home, I had gotten a text saying that she had a big surprise for me. I couldn’t wait. Up to this point, our sex life had been amazing. She had single handedly satiated almost all of my fantasies and I couldn’t even imagine what would be coming next. A surprise? She included a grocery list and I picked up the groceries needed for the weekend.
When she got to my apartment, she had her typical weekend bag and a huge black duffle bag. I’m talking about those duffle bags that you could hide a body in. The thing was huge. I met her in the parking lot, gave her our accustomed hug and kiss and grabbed her bags. The black duffle was surprisingly heavy.
“Don’t open that black duffle when we get inside,” she said. “Your surprise is in there and you can open it after dinner. Don’t spoil it, it’s worth waiting for.”
Fighting my curiosity, we made it upstairs, uncorked a bottle of wine and started to cook dinner together. The entire time, I kept sneaking looks at the bag. What was in that monstrosity? What wonders awaited? Once, I even gently kicked it when walking by to see if that would give any clues. It did not.
We ate dinner and were relaxing on the couch watching the evening news come to a conclusion. I couldn’t stop staring at the bag. I felt like Brad Pitt in Se7en. My brain was screaming, “What’s in the bag?!” Eventually, she stretched, grabbed her weekend bag and said, “I’m going to freshen up. No peeking and leave that bag alone! I see you eyeballing it.”
I waited forever. Okay, it may not have been forever, but it felt like forever. The bag was taunting me. It was just laying there, begging to be opened. I fought it down. Diana had never disappointed me. Whatever it was, it would be worth the wait. I still stared at the damn bag.
“What do you think?” I hear from over my shoulder. Fucking bag. What’s in you? Looking back, my jaw hit the floor. Diana had changed. The first thing I notice are her black leather stormtrooper hooker boots. Her legs were fantastic. Her caramel skin is accented by fishnet stockings that have had holes artfully ripped here and there, exposing her soft flesh. She’s wearing a red and gold pleated mini skirt that the hem of the fabric barely covered her ass. Her tummy was delightfully exposed. She had a tight white dress shirt tied off under her breasts and unbuttoned in such a manner that the shirt barely contained her cleavage. Her smile widened as she no doubt appreciated my amazed, slack jawed stare. She even put her raven hair into bouncing, matching pigtails.
She slinked over, grabbed my hands and pulled me off the couch. “Grab the duffel,” and she continued to lead me to my bedroom. I had never seen her walk so sultry. I was so amazed by the swaying of her hips, I forgot how heavy the damn mystery bag is. What the fuck is in the bag? She let go of my hand and sauntered over to the bed and turned around. Her hazel eyes locked with mine and she crawled backwards across the bed. The skirt crawled up her hips as she crawled backwards and it revealed two amazing discoveries. One: They make crotchless fishnets. Two: My girlfriend was fucking wearing them. Now, in my opinion, it’s hard for a man to swoon. I unabashedly admit full on swooning.
She continued to crawl back, displaying herself for me. Her finger strayed down to her already wet pussy and spread her labia and purred, “Daddy likes?” I dropped the bag and started undoing my belt. “No, no, no, no, no, no.” She tasted herself, slowly licking her fingers. “No, James. You don’t just get this tonight.”
“What?” I ask. I’m truly shocked. She had never denied anything from me. Anything I ever wanted, she gave it up willingly. She had turned me into quite the deviant.
“Tonight,” she says. “Tonight, we’re going to do something special. Now, I want you to open the bag.”
I kneel down and unzip the zipper of the duffel. Golden light spilled out. Kidding, kidding. But it might as well have. Inside were all manner of devices. Some I knew what they were because of porn or reading, but of the others I could only guess at their intent. I found paddles, different sized flogs, two different canes, a riding crop, ropes, cuffs, and straps. There was a collar, dildos, vibrators, a giant feather. Two different types of blindfolds. There were several handkerchiefs, a spreader bar and even a ball gag. What the fuck had I gotten myself into?
“My safeword is blue,” Diana purred. I looked up at her. “Anything in that bag you can use on me. Most things, I expect you’re unfamiliar with. And that’s okay, baby. Pick something you like, start slow and build up. Don’t be afraid to hurt me. When it gets to be too much, I’ll say ‘blue’. If and when I do, it’s very important that you stop. Do you understand me? Good. I trust you with this. Remember, start slow. Build up. Stop if I say, ‘blue,’ okay?”
She crawled further back onto the bed. “Now come here and make me call you Daddy.” And thus began one of the most magical nights in my young adult life.
Since Diana, I’ve been in four other relationships that have contained a D/s dynamic and they were all different. Because of how I was brought into this lifestyle and what I’ve read, learned and taught myself, I’ve always molded myself to match my sub’s needs. I have few hard limits and have always enjoyed satisfying my partner. I’ve also learned some hard lessons. And this is important to you Doms just starting out: Do not ever ignore her needs. I repeat this again, do not ever ignore her needs. Yes, the lifestyle can be taxing. Yes, it’s okay to take breaks, but make sure you return if you’re in a committed D/s relationship, you need to return to it. Her needs are just as important as your needs and she will start to resent you if suddenly you’ve stopped satisfying her needs while she continues to satisfy yours. In the end, if ignored long enough, she’ll stop beating her head against the wall and leave. So take my advice: Do not ignore her needs and if you need to take a break from dynamic, put a date on the moratorium and circle back to your contract.
Back to the other four D/s relationships I’ve been in, I was briefly been a Master to a questing slave. Definitely not my thing. I have been a Daddy to a bratty babygirl, I’ve been a Daddy to an “alpha” sub. I spent time in training with a Pro Domme that subbed for me teaching me some high value impact play and developing my insatiable love with sensory deprivation/play and a Daddy Dom to a little/masochist. And most joyfully of all, I find myself again as Daddy Dominant to the most wonderful good girl/bunny that a Daddy Dom could ask for.
Each woman had very different needs and in exploring their needs I found myself. There are and will be similarities in any D/s relationship. One of the most common of which is being restraints and spankings. I mean, come on, who doesn’t love giving a firm, hard slap on a willing ass? Things are also radically different. Each woman has her own needs and just because something worked with one does not mean that it will work with another. Just like in a vanilla dating relationship, right? Same thing here. Cater to your sub and she’ll do the same for you.
These discussions are helping me a lot. I hope they’ve been helping you guys. From the DMs and lengthy discussions, I’m thrilled at the response from both sides of the slash. I lost touch with my true self for a while there and reasserting my true Dominance has not only helped heal my heart, but my mind as well. Moving forward, I know what I need, what I want and what I am not willing to settle for. I’ve been so unhappy in the past that it’s really non-negotiable at this point. Live and learn. No longer the hopeless romantic Dom, but ever hopeful Daddy.
So make sure you’re talking to each other. Voice your opinions. Listen to each other’s needs and treasure the gifts given. Explore, learn and have fun.