Reflection, Recovery, Renewal

Recovering from a Narcissist Fake Little

I have tried searching this subject and the lack of information available is telling. Nobody is willing to talk about this. Surely, I’m not the only one who has gone through what I have. The mathematical statistics alone support that there should be something somewhere on this topic, but there’s not, or at least, nothing easily discoverable. My Google-foo is well above average, if we’re going to be honest. Which we should be. It’s one of the Four Pillars. So where is this help? What the fuck? I debated even writing this, but it’s something I’ve wanted to get off my chest for a while.

My initial thoughts as I exited the relationship were a jumble. In addition to the normal how’s and why’s, blaming myself and blaming her, I couldn’t believe that I had allowed myself to wander these paths, let alone a similar path as before. Again. Fucking again. You’re the sadist, asshole. Why do you keep making the same mistakes? Right? Like c’mon, bro. You’re better than this, you dumb fuck. Once again, as a romantic Daddy Dom, when she said she wanted to pause the dynamic, I stayed. Right? That’s what we’re supposed to do. You’re in this for the whole thing, not just the dynamic. After all, my job as the Daddy Dom is to create the structure she needs. So, logically, if she needs a pause in the structure, we put it on pause. After all, a pause indicates it should resume. Right?

In hindsight, we should have put a date on the moratorium. That was, I feel, my biggest mistake. By not putting a date on when we would come back to the table and talk about our collective needs and attempt to renegotiate, I passively waited for her to be ready. I failed to create a safe exit, not only for her, but myself. I couldn’t let go of her or the step-son she had given me. I couldn’t let go of my Dominant self. It’s ingrained into every part of who I am, so I put Him on the mental sideline, but every once and a while, He would come out in conversation or in action and the fights that would ensue were, in a word, apocalyptic. After the first of these such fights, I should have left. I couldn’t, can’t be passive. It’s just not in me. I would try to lead and she didn’t want to be led. And I stayed. I stayed for a multitude of reasons: we were a family, I loved her, there was our step-son… This could be fixed. I can fix anything. And so, I stayed. And in the staying, I created more excuses.

The amount of mental abuse I endured from this little gone rogue and my own lack of action was immense. My needs were not being met and the pain it caused was so intense as the first year rolled by. It would be okay though, I told myself. We would return to what was and everything would again be right in the world. I tried to bury everything that I was to be the stoic supporter, be the caregiver, be the husband and the Dom. I would like to think, in the beginning, I did a decent job. I did what I was supposed to do. I was supportive. I still gave care. 

When she first began the mental assault, I should have left, but I allowed us to enter a holding pattern of mental anguish both caused by my supposedly submissive partner and my own desire to stay and attempt to salvage the relationship. After all, I could fix this. She would enter these states where I thought things would be returning to normal. She would return to her submissive self. Or at least act like she was returning to submission. She would age regress. She would do all the things that I fell in love with her over. We would mime the activities we used to do without the structure in place. We would briefly talk about returning to our dynamic. She would even work with me to revise and work on our rules and contact. I devoured it. I needed it and this was the promise of returning to normalcy. We even looked into lifestyle friendly marriage counselors. Then suddenly, it would come to a screeching halt. She wasn’t ready. She didn’t want to submit. I remember thinking to myself, it would be okay. We would be able to fix the broken pieces and put it all back together. After all, I could fix this.

I lost count of the times we would do this dance. I used to have drafts upon drafts saved in my Google Drive. She would dance around my needs, giving me just enough to satisfy frustrations and then it would be gone. I remember thinking, sometime around the fourth or fifth time, I should leave. No, I told myself. Surely not. She has a desire to fix this too and we’re married. This is sacred. It’s supposed to be sacred. 

I endured for four more long and terrible years. The talks of reentering our dynamic eventually stopped. Sex became dull, boring and then that too eventually stopped. Like a plant dying of dehydration, physical touch and affection slowly died off. By this point, I had thought about leaving many times, but stayed because I believed we would be able to return to what was our golden era and of course, and my concern for the child I had now spent five years raising. I no longer believed her when she said we would return to the dynamic and I felt trapped. I began to resent her and even started to hate her. We could still fix this. It was a mantra by this point. Even if it was a hollow one.

Things were starting to look better by the end of the fifth year. We were talking more, being more open with one another and once again, the talks of returning to the dynamic were reopened, this time with more zeal from her. I felt like a new man. I had vigor again. I felt like things were finally turning around. She had even begun to be affectionate again. There was a light at the end of the tunnel and things were finally going to be better. I had even scheduled sessions with the lifestyle friendly therapist. And that’s when I learned of the emotional affair. 

While she danced around and manipulated me into thinking things were getting better, she had an emotional affair with another Dominant. One that was supposed to be our friend. I had inklings that this was a bad idea when they started talking more, but when I asked her about it, she offered, “Baby, don’t you trust me? You know I’d never do that.” Something was vehemently wrong. I could feel it in my gut. There was something truly foul afoot, but I couldn’t place my finger on it. Then one morning, she was gone. Only a text message was offered as the briefest of explanations. One that I couldn’t even reply to because she had blocked me on literally every form of communication that was possible. She had denied me even the dignity of closure.

I still ponder what I could have done differently. Not out of a desire to win her back, because fuck a lot of that noise, but to learn. After a lot of work with a therapist, I’ve learned she was a narcissist, which blew my mind. I had always thought narcissism to be a more male affliction. I learned that she mirrored my heart. Mirrored my wants and desires and lured me into a trap that I should have seen coming. I’ve learned a lot of new red flags to watch for, that’s for sure. I’ve also done a lot of inner child work, in addition to therapy. I had to make sure that I wasn’t the root of the problem. After two back to back failed marriages, I needed to ensure I wasn’t the common denominator in these equations. I feel like this effort invested into myself has reforged me into something stronger, truly a better me. 

I almost left the lifestyle because of this singular incident. For months afterwards, I questioned myself. Every aspect of myself was laid out to bare and inspected thoroughly and thoughtfully and at times, even accusatorily. I had allowed this to happen, I told myself repeatedly. Surely, I was the one at fault. There was something insidiously broken somewhere and it had to be found, repaired or discarded. I didn’t find anything. Only broken pieces of what was, of who I used to be. I looked at those pieces in disgust. That wasn’t who I was. I refused to accept that. So we rebuilt and reforged. There’s still work to be done, but I am without a doubt, stronger because of this experience. I have learned much from it.

Divorce papers are finalized and I’m waiting for the decree. I cannot wait for this chapter to end. I have been and am on a path of recovery. Reconnecting with parts of me that I repressed and neglected. I am finally happy again. I can finally look in the mirror and be happy. A lot of help came from some curious companions I’ve met along the way. A lot of lessons were learned with this one. It is okay to pause a dynamic, but you have to put an end date on the moratorium. In the future, if there’s not, it’s the end of the relationship. I won’t go through this again. My needs are just as important as my partner’s needs and if I ever reach such catastrophic levels of unhappiness again, it’s okay to leave.

11 thoughts on “Reflection, Recovery, Renewal

  1. Im sorry you went through all of that. Toxic submissives are a thing, including littles. You are right, its not talked about enough. I try to add the red flags given off by s-types when i write about the bad side of BDSM. Toxic subs are just as bad and mentally damaging as a toxic Dom. I hope you heal, and find happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. In any relationship you have to make sure your needs are being met on at least a minimum level or you can’t help anybody else. It is an act of giving to insist that your needs are considered. As they say in the airline business put your own mask on first, then help the rest of the world.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The problem I truly had in leaving was that I had fallen madly in love with the step-child. I could not, for the life of me, bring myself to abandon the boy. It was what took the longest to heal over.

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  3. One of the single most important things I learned from my broken marriage of 20 years to a narcissistic incompetent sociopath (it really is a thing) is this, narcissists want strong people. They don’t want someone who will yield to them immediately and be their pet. They get nothing from that set up. They get their kick out of breaking you down, changing you, making you jump through hoops for their love and affection. Pulling you down and making you feel like you are the problem.
    I know you have done the work and moved on from this devastation in your life, but the aspect of your post that struck me most was ‘ I had allowed this to happen, I told myself repeatedly. Surely, I was the one at fault. There was something insidiously broken somewhere and it had to be found, repaired or discarded. I didn’t find anything.’ That struck me at my core.
    As a daddy dom she was draining you on two fronts. She was draining your dom energy and also your Daddy energy, she knew your love for the child would keep you firmly anchored because that’s who you are but she also knew you wouldn’t quit trying to fix what was broken because you needed both of them for different reasons. The only reason she let you go when she did was because she had already set up her next supply. The emotional affair.
    The not so merry dance these people lead us on is appalling and is done literally so that they can feel validated. That’s all they get out of it. Cold, callous, manipulative and deceitful people who will stop at nothing to keep you from leaving until they are ready to walk away onto their next victim.
    I am glad you have found happiness with your bunny, I am glad you didn’t leave the lifestyle because of this previous nightmare. You deserve the right to be who you are without feeling like you have to suppress any of your dominance or desires. If you can’t do that with your partner you shouldn’t be together at all. Life is too short to play the ‘I will change for you’ game. Be yourself the rest will follow, as you are obviously aware.
    Narcissism is the same no matter which lifestyle you are in. It hurts, devastates and destroys strong people until they don’t know which way is up.
    Glad you’re out of it and in a healthy loving relationship now. Long may that continue my friend.
    Excellent post, and a lot more should be written about it from every lifestyle point. People need to learn who they are getting involved with because damn these narcissists are hard to eject out of your life once they have their hooks in you. If that can be avoided by vocalising red flags publically then it should be done.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I admittedly ignored two red flags looking back. Between the love bombing and her continued assaults of pick me, pick me, I was like… well, what’s two red flags? Lesson learned, my friend. Lesson learned. It wasn’t easy and I’m still going through some therapy and I know that bunny and I will undoubtedly discover more along the way. Some trauma can only be healed while in a healthy relationship, or at least, that’s what the therapist has said. I made her aware of my hang-ups out of the gate and we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

      As always, it’s a pleasure, Gemma.

      Liked by 1 person

      • The healthy relationship does help enormously, but I can attest to the struggles we go through to trust another human afterwards. My partner has had his work cut out for him over the past number of years just trying to unlock my emotions nevermind anything else! Regardless we prevail 🙂
        Have a good Christmas my friend, stay safe in these dodgy infectious times! 😀 x

        Liked by 1 person

      • Same here, but my partner had to travel two weeks ago on business that was only supposed to take him away for max 1 week. He was already supposed to be home but has had to quarantine on his return into the UK because someone on the return flight had covid. He won’t be home now until Thursday after he’s completed his third PCR test and its negative. We are battening down the hatches from then on in! I like that avoidance thing, it keeps us healthy!

        Liked by 1 person

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