30 Days of Domination: Day 16

Matching Dominance to Submission

Today’s discussion topics: Have you found that your Dominance has changed with different partners or relationships? If you’re involved with, or have been involved with, partners of both sexes, has your Dominance changed based on gender or do you feel that it is dependent on the submissive as an individual?

This question should have been asked yesterday and yesterday’s today. I have always matched my Dominance to my submissive, it’s how I learned initially and how I was taught coming into the lifestyle. Some will accurately point out that she was very much topping from the bottom, but when bring in a new Dom to the lifestyle, she found what worked for her and I feel like this is one of the few cases where topping from the bottom isn’t disrespectful.

I’ve had a painslut, a SAM (the OG brat, smart-assed masochist), a bratty babygirl and a curious sub, and now, I find myself with Bunny: a masochistic, service good girl/little, with tiniest of brat tendencies. In each relationship my Dominance didn’t change, but how I approached it most certainly has. All kinks aside, and they are glorious indeed, it’s the Dominance that really does it for me. Don’t get me wrong, impact play is way up there too, but the bliss of Domspace is unparalleled in its magnificence. In vetting, the prospective sub’s needs and mine would then be discussed and negotiated. Rules and structure would be created from that initial discussion. From there and over time, new rules and evolving structure would be negotiated and implemented as our needs changed and evolved. The dynamic is fluid and not set in stone.

I’m a monogamist. I’ve tried poly, and even had the easiest polyamorous relationship a straight man could have. I briefly entertained a couple that consisted of a lesbian and a bi girl. Eventually, I gave it up. I didn’t have the patience to compete for attention and there were clear issues of jealousy in the relationship whenever I was around. I deemed the relationship unhealthy for myself and made my exit before further damage to their relationship could be done on my part.

Today’s discussion was short. I’m straight and not going to answer the same question twice. So we’ll shift gears and talk about something that’s been on the back of my mind for the last few days due to a few things I’ve seen on the boards/groups over the last few weeks.

We’ve all got baggage. Hell, I’m mostly healed from what I went through, but I’ve still got some to cope with some of my own. Doing these discussions, mentoring and talking to all of you has helped me in ways that I couldn’t even fathom when I first started out. Even if you don’t want to join the discussion or talk to a mentor, I suggest doing these for yourself. Even if you don’t share them, connect with your inner Dominant or through 30 Days of Submission, your inner submissive. That said, as a Dom, if you ever find yourself unable to put your bullshit aside and not be able to tend to the needs of your submissive, step back and handle your shit. If you don’t think you can get it sorted, release her. Do not damage your sub, the person you’re supposed to protect above all others, because of your trauma. Your job is to provide a safe harbor and structure for her. Can two wounded people lean against each other and find shelter in the storm? Absolutely and it’s beautiful when it works. Reforging two people into something stronger is one of the most beautiful things that can happen in this life. Caveat: You need to be able to compartmentalize your pain and deal with it in a healthy manner. Please note I said compartmentalize and deal with it. It does nobody any good if you just file it away, never again to see the light of day until there is an inevitable emotional blow out. Seek out a professional or a mentor. If you can’t, you have no business attempting a vanilla relationship, let alone a D/s dynamic.

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