A Discussion on Trust
Today’s discussion questions: What does trust mean to you in the context of Dominance? How do you inspire trust in your submissive?
Trust is a heavy word. According to the Oxford Dictionary, trust can be defined as both a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something and a confidence placed in a person by making that person the nominal owner of property to be held or used for the benefit of one or more. Trust is a core value in any relationship, especially in a D/s relationship. Trust can be envisioned as a keystone in what we do. In our lifestyle and in our various dynamics there is one underlying constant. She needs to trust you. Without trust, she cannot fully submit and she cannot build a lasting relationship, nor should she if she can’t trust you. Trust is imperative. She must trust that you have her best interests in both heart and mind. She must trust you to provide a safe harbor for her. Without that keystone, everything you’re trying to build will collapse.
I build my relationship first. As I’ve said repeatedly in the past, I don’t do play partners. I build trust in everything I do. I’m completely honest, in all things with all people. The friends I’ve made since doing these essays can attest to the strength of my character, but that isn’t enough. I demonstrate reliability, integrity and competency through both my words and my actions. After all, without action, words are just wind. If I say I’m going to do something, I follow through. I keep my word. I build confidence with her and our relationship. I strive to maintain consistency. In being consistent, I show her stability, understanding and dependability. She will never have to doubt where she stands because through consistency and attentiveness, I will light the way for her no matter how dark her storms.
When it comes to my rules of contract, these are negotiated. She trusts me to maintain the structure and discipline within our relationship. If I step outside the contract or I violate our agreement, I shatter that trust. Severe damage has been done. The following story is being shared with permission. A close friend confided in me that something had happened in which she revoked her consent to impact play. Recently, her Dom engaged in impact play without consent. He stepped outside the lines of the contract. Not only did he violate his contract with her, there was an emotional violation of her consent and safety. He broke trust.
When trust is broken it can, and in my opinion should, halt the dynamic. Without the keystone, the whole arch collapses. With hard work, forgiveness and dedication trust can be reforged. Forgiveness is really the key. If the wronged party can’t forgive, then the whole relationship is forever shattered. There will always be a blemish and imperfection and it will more than likely result in a refracturing of the trust.
Be patient with each other as you both grow. Trust, just like love, isn’t formed overnight. It takes time and dedication to forge the chains that bind. Learn every inch and curve of her mind. The body will inevitably follow.