30 Days of Dominance: Day 18


I’ve learned a lot over the years. Some lessons were easily learned, some of them hard fought through trial and heartache. If my sub can’t express her opinion to me the relationship is doomed to fail. Have you ever talked to SAMs or littles much? You try telling one of them they can’t express their opinion and I’d wager one of two things will happen: they’ll cut you, or even worse, they’ll shut down completely.

Without communication, there are very real consequences of what will happen to any relationship. While many of us in the lifestyle agree that our D/s dynamics are easier to maintain, they require no less work than a vanilla relationship. Without communication you can’t talk about needs, you can’t negotiate a contract or rules of engagement, let alone attempt to set up any kind of domestic relationship. You have to be able to talk to each other. If you can’t talk to each other, you can’t build trust.

I expect my submissive to be able to come to me at any time with anything that’s on her mind. I go so far with it, it’s included in the very contract I’ve ever written. If she can’t come to me with a problem, concern or worry, how could she trust me to guide our relationship, let alone tie her to a spanking bench? If she can’t vocalize thoughts or needs, a journal will be kept between the two of us. In either case, when she needs to speak of fears, needs or desires, there is never a reprisal. These discussions are always kept with an open heart and mind. And more to the point regarding this misconception that the submissive loses the ability to express opinion, I want her opinion. I want her feedback. She’s my partner, one who is valued and respected. She’s not a doormat.

I am very vocal about all things. I’ve learned to express myself be it my thoughts, needs, desires or wants. The only time I’ve been known to shut down is when I’ve been neglected for so long that I feel like I’m beating my head against the wall. A voice can only cry out so much before it goes hoarse and eventually quiet. It’s in those times of quiet that I begin to distance myself. At that point, the lines of communication have degraded so badly that it will take a lot of effort on both parts to repair and reestablish healthy dialogue. It isn’t impossible, but it does take a lot of work.

It’s also worth knowing how you communicate with your partner. The Five Languages of Love offer a free test online that helps you understand how you communicate best. For example, my three strongest love languages are Quality Time, Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. In knowing how to communicate with your partner, you’re able to build bridges that you would have never thought possible. 

As always, lifestyle friends and kinksters: Play safe. Play sane. Play consensual.

One thought on “30 Days of Dominance: Day 18

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