By Stormrolfr and MP
Welcome to the Little Academy. Our goal is to help you navigate the myriad of lifestyle articles, forums and websites out there and gather our collective real world experience in the lifestyle and put it at your disposal. Essays to the Little Academy will often be instructional, but always heartfelt and with all things in the lifestyle, if something doesn’t exactly fit for you, change it to where it does. Provided you’re being safe, sane and consensual, nobody has any business in telling you that you’re wrong.The pronouns and honorifics that are being used are the ones I am most comfortable with, but the BDSM lifestyle and DDlg welcomes everyone.
Today we will be discussing how to vet a potential Daddy Dom. This essay is a collaborative effort with MP. Vetting is like dating in the vanilla world, but there are slight differences. The main one being, you’re screening your potential Daddy for any red flags or warning signs that will potentially hurt you further down the road. One of the biggest heartbreaks for many seems to come from meeting too many inexperienced or fake Daddies and being let down. You have invested so much time, thought, energy and emotion into someone just to have them pull the rug out from under your feet.
Vetting requires two main areas to be discussed: Experience and Compatibility. Compatibility is less about things like favorite foods or movies, but your play styles and how your kinks match. How he is as a Daddy and how you are as a little are most important. Compatibility is about love languages and how you two communicate. Will he allow you to give him what he needs instead of forcibly taking it? Experience questions are direct. How long has he been in the lifestyle, how would he handle certain situations, how they came to be in the lifestyle are all excellent starting questions when asking him about his experience.
When discussing compatibility you can discuss sex, sexuality, monogamy, polyarmory and sexual activities here, but do not talk about sexual thigs together. I promise you that there will be plenty of that in your future, if you’re a sexual person. It’s also okay not to be, or not be sexual when being little. If he tells you to masturbate, to send racy pictures, or even nudes while you’re still in the vetting process, this is a big red flag. He will not pressure you into anything. A good Daddy is patient and kind. He wants you to feel safe and comfortable.And if you’re not sexual, your potential Daddy needs to understand and respect that boundary.
Experience questions are direct and situational. These are the real important questions that will help you discover true Daddy Doms from the fakes. Slip these questions casually, don’t let him know he’s in the hot seat. An excellent list of experience questions are listed below, each question designed to be a stepping stone. If he doesn’t pass one, he doesn’t move on through your vetting process.
- How long have you been in the lifestyle?
- Have you always been a Daddy?
- What do you see as the difference between a Dominant, a Daddy Dom and a caregiver?
- How long did it take you to become a Daddy?
- Did you train or learn to become a Daddy?
- Tell me about how you discovered you were a Daddy/Daddy Dom?
- What moment in your experience as a Daddy stands out most?
- Does being a Daddy pour into your everyday life?
- Can you turn it off or on when you want to?
- What is a day with you as a Daddy like?
- What is a day with you not being in a Daddy role like?
- Are there any other aspects of being a Dominant you embrace? Such as primal tendencies, pleasure Dom, etc?
- How do you express those other aspects with a little?
- Have you had a little before?
- How many littles have you had?
- How long did each relationship last?
- What about other submissive types?
- Why did each relationship end?
- Would any of them come back if you were available?
- How do you punish a little?
- Do you take away stuffies, pacies, clothing items?
- Do you know what SSC means?
- What does safe, sane and consensual mean to you?
- Do you practice safe, sane and consensual as a safety philosophy, RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) or PRICK (Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink)?
- Can you explain how you would perform aftercare?
- What is the most difficult scene you have ever done and what did you learn from it?
- How would you set a scene from start to finish?
- What is a dream scene you want to do, but haven’t been able to do yet?
- What wouldn’t you do?
- Would you respect my hard limits?
- What are your hard limits?
- How sexual do you think a little should be?
- How important is sex and orgasms to you?
- Do you need them?
- Do you provide sex and orgasms to your little? And if not, why?
- Are you willing to meet with me several times before we play together if I so choose?
- Would you be willing to provide identification before we met?
- Are you willing to accept that I am not your little until I make the decision to be such a person to you?
- Are you willing to accept that I will not be submissive to you until I feel comfortable doing so?
- How do you nurture a submissive to build trust and the desire to submit to you?
- Do you build on what you find out about her potential?
- Do you lay down rules for her to follow?
- Do you provide guidance?
- Do we do timeouts to discuss progress and problems together?
- Do you use safewords? If so, what ones do you like to use?
- When are they allowed?
- How do you like them expressed to you?
- Do you always allow for safewords?
- Will you always respect safewords?
- What does littlespace mean to you?
- How do you participate in littlespace?
- How do you take a woman out of littlespace?
- How would you handle those with health issues?
If your potential Daddy refuses to provide identification, run. He’s not worth your time. Your safety is paramount. At any time, if he becomes controlling or tries to make you do anything you are not comfortable with, you need to end it. A good Daddy is in control, but not controlling and there’s no excuse to be controlling in the vetting process. If he refuses to acknowledge the importance of a safeword, run fast. He is not a Dominant and he is most certainly not a Daddy. The safeword is there to protect you. Consent can always be revoked. Even if he is experienced, he may still be a predator or abuser.
Experience is a necessary measure. Daddy Doms are supposed to guide and nurture. They can’t guide from a position of ignorance. If he gives you an answer you find questionable, ask it again by rewording it and see how he replies. A little is the most fragile part of our lifestyle. If your little is broken, just once, it can keep you from ever feeling safe or trusting again and these damages can take a long time to heal. It can also damage your ability to enter littlespace. Protect your heart and your little. There are many more questions you can ask if he gets through this round. Feel free to ask questions you have too if there were any we missed. If you are shy or embarrassed to publicly ask, message someone you trust or ask an admin in the communities you feel safe.