What Does Submission Mean to You?

Does a submissive have certain behaviors? Do submissives do specific tasks? When you think of a submissive and submission, what thoughts come to mind?

This is a harder one for me. Every submissive I’ve ever been with has been wildly different in their approach to submission to their personality. I’ve mulled these questions over since yesterday and when putting finger to keyboard, I have ideas but have been staring at the blank screen for what feels like ages. So in usual fashion when I’m stuck on what I’m trying to say, I’m going to pound this out until coherent sentences start to coalesce into something meaningful.

I don’t think there any set behaviors for a submissive. As a Dominant, I can tell you what I look for, what I find attractive or appealing and what I won’t tolerate. Key behavioral qualities I look for include creativity, curiosity, faithfulness, caring, affectionate, compassion, kindness, pleasantness, sass, how polite they are, sincerity, reflectiveness, sensitivity, and enthusiasm. My submissive will be well-behaved. She should bring peace into my life and my home. Now, that doesn’t mean she can’t be sassy. There’s nothing wrong with a some playful banter and I find it to be enjoyable. Let me see that wit. There is a big difference, however, between sassing and bratting. One is playful and the other is disrespectful. I will not tolerate a brat. If she constantly is challenging the peace of the household, challenging me, challenging the relationship and our harmony, then in my mind, she is not ready to submit and will be released.

Submissives will have different tasks varying on their dynamic. For mine, she is a service submissive and a little. We will both idealize, modernize and blend both the 1950s lifestyle and Taken in Hand domestic disciplines. Accordingly, the household is her domain. She will also be assigned tasks based on her interests and to assist me with mine. This is something we’ve negotiated and she has expressed interest in. Through task assignment as well, you can begin to set expectations through assigning research and begin training through task assignment.

When I think of submission and my submissive, I think of harmony, peace, unconditional love and acceptance. I think of acts of service as the most beautiful of love languages and regard it almost as highly as words of affirmation. She is and will be my good girl. She can come to me in her darkest hours and if I cannot provide light for her, I will at least sit with her in the darkness. As someone who walks long and dwells heavily in their own darkness, it is a comfortable place for me. I do not mind in the least being her calming voice in the dark. As much as she leans on me, I will lean on her too. She is just as much my safe place as I am hers. Together, we can accomplish anything we set our minds to do.

What Does Dominance Mean to You?

Whether you identify as a Dominant or a submissive, you may have some picture in your mind of what kind of person is a Dominant. What does dominance in a relationship mean to you? What traits will a Dominant have? How should a Dominant behave?

My mental picture of a Dominant is an amalgamation of Gomez Adams, John Wayne and Michael Lee Aday, better known as Meat Loaf. It’s an odd combination for sure, but walk down the rabbit hole with me. Gomez brings the unrivaled romance. He is suave, passionate, eccentric, macabre. Gomez, of the three is the sadist. He loves all things ghastly and violent. The Duke brings the hard, strict Dominance. He’s no nonsense, appreciates the good girl, and will bend her over his knee and spank her in public when she needs it. He is a provider and supportive. He is cool and collected, but can be quick to anger when the wrong buttons are pushed. Meat Loaf, may he rest in peace, from Eddie in The Rocky Horror Picture Show to his persona show performer as Meat, Michael brings the wild side and lust. He also brings the contract to the table, after all, he outlined very clearly what he would and would not do for love.

Dominance in a relationship to me is leading by example, protecting my submissive, and providing unparalleled care and support. It is guiding her to be her best self. To support her dreams and ambitions while building my own. It is exploration of carnal lust and desire. It is fulfilment on a very deep physical, mental and soulful level. It is so much more than just power and consensual control. It is ensuring that we both have a safe place and we both support one another. There is a line that I absolutely adore in The New Topping Book. To paraphrase: The submissive gives up her power so that she can fly. The Dominant uses that power to soar with her. Dominance is guiding both of us, my submissive and I, to a harmonious place of balance, safety and love.

As mentioned above through discussing my mental image of the Dominant, a good Dominant should be passionate, consistent, a provider, supportive, and endeavor to be and bring calm. Through passion, a Dominant shows his submissive is wanted. Not just physically either. He should be passionate about all of her, not just her body. Drink in her mind and soul. Consume all of her. Through consistency, a Dominant provides support and structure. He becomes her anchor and she becomes his. Being a provider doesn’t mean financially, though it can. In this sense, I mean providing for and meeting her needs as she meets mine. I will give 100% of myself to my submissive and I expect the same in return. Anything else is doomed to failure. A good Dom is supportive. He motivates and pushes. He encourages his sub to be the best version he sees in her and who she wants to be. He is her rock and safe harbor. A good Dominant brings the calm. He enables her to just be. He accepts her for who she is. He is her peace.

A Dominant should always be on his best behavior, in my opinion. He should be able to look at the reflection of himself and be content and happy with the person he sees. He should always strive to be his best self. If he is in conflict, he should work to resolve and reconcile the parts of himself that are in conflict. He cannot bring or be peace if he cannot first find it within himself. He should be genuine and never duplicitous. He should be trustworthy and honest and act with integrity. He should be respectful. He should endeavor to be kind. I personally find it hard sometimes, to find kindness for strangers, but it is something I will always strive to be.

Back in the Saddle

I work rotating 12 hour shifts. Four days on, four days off. Three days on, three days off. This week was my long weekend and I took it for myself. I needed to recharge my batteries and practice some self-love. I am heavily introverted, so like a solid 90% of my friends are online. I like them there. They’re in a neat little box and are always there. They know much of my life. Who is in it, who I am, who I truly am. I value them greatly and they’re spread all over the world, which amazes me. We spent much of the weekend gaming together. From building a new breeding base to Ark, to slaying our opponents in the Outlands of Apex Legends, we accomplished much that we set out to do.

Bunny and I also spent a lot of time talking over the past week. A lot of time. Between self-reflection on both of our parts and through much conversation, we have come to the realization that despite our separate issues and traumas, we don’t want to do this without the other. We spent a lot of time talking about what we need to address personally and individually. Going forward, we will address our traumas and work on our issues both together and separately, leaning on one another. Even after all the ups and downs, separation and rejoining, she is still my peace. I still find solace in her that I have never experienced with anyone else.

Now that the long weekend is over and I have 37 loads I am monitoring for tonight, I feel invigorated and ready to tackle the coming week and to spend some more time in both thought and reflection. Of course, being back in the saddle also means that I’ll be focusing back more on lifestyle writing. I’ve almost finished The New Topping Book and will be putting a review together for that soon.

On a tangent, has anyone else watched the Big Bang Theory and marveled at how Dominant Sheldon is? Hear me out. He spanks Amy. Amy comes to him eagerly when he snaps his fingers. Amy comes off has naturally submissive in her personal relationship with Sheldon and does things that I would equate with a service sub. They have a contract. Just things I think about.

Checking In

Salutations and sæl, friends. There have been a few you sending inquiring emails and I wanted to let you all know I am alive and well, just slammed with work. Even though it’s supposed to be our slow season, we are in the thick of it currently. The pandemic has done some really odd things to the logistics industry.

Bunny and I are still friends are helping and supporting one another each other as we get the healing we need. I also have an amazing support group of friends that I’ve made doing this here and in the groups. I thank all of you for checking in on me, her and us.

I’m currently working on a few drafts and was thinking about kicking off with Loving BDSM’s writing prompts for 30 Days of D/s. I’ve also gotten some ideas from Kit for future essays, but work on all of that comes on the weekends and with inspiration. Almost everything I write comes from the heart. When I try to write unmotivated it loses the je ne sais quoi and flair that I feel makes my writing stand out.

Again, I do so very much appreciate the inquiries and support. I would be in a very dark place without the support network I do have. You all mean so very much to me, even if it’s just small interactions here and there. Much love for all you.

Alternative Love Languages: Sadism

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom are essays, instruction pieces, and sometimes rants. I write and even text, like I talk in real life and I’m here today speaking from the heart. I offer my opinions and insight that I have gained from fifteen years of experience and through trial and error. When I offer insight, it is from the mindset of my Dominant philosophy, which is primarily that of Daddy Dom. I use the pronouns I am comfortable with, but please swap your pronouns where you feel comfortable. The lifestyle welcomes all of you. Welcome to Wonderland.

For the masochist, sadism is a love language. Through giving and receiving pain, we will speak love. You meet her very real need for corporal punishment and play through expressing your sadism. 

In expressing my sadism, I first need to know my masochist. I will explore every inch of her mind and her body before I ever let her meet my sadist. I will understand what she needs, why she needs it and gain understanding of her wants and desires. I will know her limits and respect them and be ever mindful of her safeword. I will explore her tender flesh. Every freckle, mole, beauty mark, scar and/or blemish will be committed to memory. I will trail my fingertips across her skin and kiss every delicious part of her. I will devour her deliberately and thoroughly, mind and body. 

I will speak love to her by planning the scene carefully and thoughtfully. I will pour over books, blogs and articles learning the how to’s, the risks and then practice my skills. I will be exact and methodical in methods. I will master the skill set and be proficient in it’s craft. I will prepare myself mentally for the scene ahead and ensure that I am present and in clear mind.

I need to express my sadism just as much as she needs to express her masochism. We will speak love, not with words during these scenes, but with thuddy smack and stinging lash. Her flesh will glow and bruise and my mark will speak to both of us, validating both of our very real and primal needs.

In expressing my sadism, I validate her wants and needs. Through barehand, flog, cane, hair brush or whatever other wonderful toy my deviant mind selects, I will mark her as Mine. She will feel my love through brutal affection. I will tend to her and be mindful of her responses as she transcends into subspace. I will be diligent in both care and affection in aftercare. I will reaffirm she was good, did good and she is perfect in every way, is loved and is totally and completely owned by Daddy.

It is important to focus on aftercare as much as planning the scene. Before play begins, I will have medical supplies, gatorade and water, snacks, stuffies and blankies all at the ready so if she drops, she will not have the additional panic or anxiety of wondering where I’ve gone or what’s taking so long. As I tended to her in the scene, I will tend to her in aftercare. I will be diligent, attentive and loving.

In speaking love back to sadism as the masochist, make sure you are tending to your sadist, especially if he drops. Dom Drop can be crippling. They can doubt the very core of their existence as the emotions fade, or in the case of new sadists, they see the welts and bruises they’ve inflicted. Remind them that you need their sadism. Remind them that you consented and you feel loved through their attention and that you needed this too. Reaffirm them and their actions.

On Protectors, Mentors and Foster Daddies

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom are essays, instruction pieces, and sometimes rants. I write and even text, like I talk in real life and I’m here today speaking from the heart. I offer my opinions and insights that I have gained from fifteen years of experience and through trial and error. If I offer insight, it is from the mindset of my Dominant philosophy, which is primarily that of Daddy Dom. I use the pronouns I am comfortable with, but please swap your pronouns where you feel comfortable. The lifestyle welcomes all of you. Welcome to Wonderland.

You see it on Fetlife some times and rarely mentioned in groups anymore: twuesub69 protection thiccdickDom666. What does it mean though? In the ye olde glory days, when a new member would join a Leather Community, they would gain protection of a Leather family. Within that frame of reference of protection, there were also strict protocols that covered BDSM and life based decisions while the new member of the Leather Community learned the ropes. While appreciated then, it’s return would be much valued now, if done like it used to be. Today, I see all too many “protectors” or even more loathsome still “Foster Daddies” running rampant in our various online communities.

So what is a protector supposed to be? Well, to be perfectly frank about it, it’s just like what it sounds like. A protector is supposed to ensure the safety of a submissive. They help screen and vet would be suitors, help find research, help educate and are like a gatekeeper for the submissive. While not exactly a mentor, they can definitely fulfill mentoring roles, but if your protector is on the opposite side of the slash from you, I personally discourage mentoring and we’ll get to more of that later. A good protector separates their wants and needs for what’s best for the submissive and for what the submissive wants and needs. Some protectors did and should still do, in my opinion, vet any suitor Dom before the submissive finds. That’s not to say that the submissive couldn’t vet with her protector, but the protector’s primary role is to be her defense against predators, especially in the case of those new to the lifestyle. This can and should extend into real life beyond the realm of our groups. An experienced protector can show the new sub the protocols of their local dungeon, screen potential play partners and be present for said play. 

Being a protector isn’t something that one should consider lightly. They should be experienced and understand the implications of what they are about to commit to. The prospective sub seeking a protector should vet their protector. Almost all of their questions should be experience based. By protecting someone, in its very nature, there would be a small element of power exchange involved in this relationship, but only in regards to protection and caring for the submissive. Rules, structure and punishments should never enter this level of dynamic. It is not the protector’s job to be the Dom. There should be clear and negotiated parameters for the expected protection and what the protector is protecting the sub from. 

One good example I found of a protector was a Domme that took a new sub underwing. The new sub had a problem telling perspective partners no and was getting in too deep and not recuperating enough. The Domme, after a long conversation with the sub, took her underwing and screened all potential play partners ensuring they were not pursuing the sub for just sex. In the end, the Domme relinquished her protection over the sub when the sub found a partner that wanted her for just more than play and was willing to actually be her Dom.

What about mentoring? As I had mentioned above, mentors should be on the same side of the slash that you reside on. This is purely an ethical standpoint. A Dominant can only teach a submissive how to be a good submissive for him. Not all Dominants have the same wants or needs. How do you find a mentor in our internet world? Well if you’re submissive, it’s a lot easier sadly. There are several good submissive only Facebook groups out there, some of them even leaning heavily on Old Guard traditions. I’ve been asked a few times if I would mentor a sub and I’ve told them no and pointed them either to submissives I trust or more recently, ‘networked’ groups that I know they’ll get a decent lifestyle education. Generally speaking, someone seeking mentorship should just ask their prospective mentor if they would be willing to consider it. Rarely do those offering mentorship have good intentions. 

A good mentor is someone who is experienced in the lifestyle and yes, you should vet them too. They can teach you the ropes, show you articles and essays and even help you find a local community if you haven’t already. The mentee needs to assess their own needs and what they want to develop in themselves and then identify a suitable mentor. A good mentor is someone you will feel comfortable talking to, someone you can trust and build trust with and someone who has knowledge in the areas you want to develop. For example, a mentee wants to learn rope play, they would go find a rigger.

I am so loath to even talk about Foster Daddies, but here we go… You see it pop up from time to time in the DDlg groups and I got to say, well over half of what I’ve seen and interacted with is highly predatory. That is not to say that there aren’t good and legitimate Foster Daddies out there. I am saying that I’ve yet to meet one. If you’re set on having a Foster, vet them. For the love of everything holy, vet them like you would a potential Dom or Daddy Dom. You get a single red flag, run. The chance of being groomed while you’re supposed to be feeling safe and protected is so very high, I can’t in good faith recommend it.

In an ideal world, if this worked, you would vet the potential Foster Daddy. You would negotiate for what structure and rules you needed and would negotiate any and all punishments. I would be slow to negotiate or ask for too much in the way of structure and punishment. Be careful about being trained as a submissive by anyone who isn’t your Dom. Personally, I don’t think there should be any structure from anyone who isn’t your Dom, but that’s neither here nor there. Just like with a protector. there should be no sexy time with a Foster. Again, in case you didn’t read that correctly: THERE SHOULD BE NO SEXY TIME WITH A FOSTER DADDY. Ethically, he or she shouldn’t have an interest in your princess parts. Their role should be to provide whatever structure you negotiated for while you find a forever Daddy. They should act like a protector in all other regards, including vetting your potential Daddy with you and I do say with you. Even if it doesn’t appear like you’re a part of the conversation with the potential would-be, you need to be in the know and should be able to direct questions.

How to be the Best Dom for your submissive

I would have given much for advice like this when I was starting out. I learned a lot the hard way, through trial and error. This is sound advice for any new Dominant.

BoundYou

This topic would been a masterpiece for me to say the most. I have been a Dom from a very early experience actually by a very submissive individual some 20 years ago. With now just over 15 years of experiences with numerous submissive. They just come and go as life progresses. I’m actually still searching for a submissive to call my own and her to call me Master/Sir for a longer years of relationship. My previous longest relationship with a submissive was 7 years. We departed when she had a golden opportunity to work overseas. Though at that time, we still kept in touch, we gradually churn to our own lifestyle.

So what type of a Dom am I? To do that, let me explain further on What is a Dom and how to be one.

What is a dom?

A dom (or dominant) is a man or woman who…

View original post 5,682 more words

One of the Hardest Things

One of the hardest things is saying goodbye. There is never a right time it seems. It always hurts. Sometimes though, you have to do it for your own well-being.

Storm is a sappy boy.

I’ve sat at this blank screen for what seems like forever. Trying to formulate thoughts, never mind coherent sentences. There is a lot of hurt and confusion. In the end, it’s just a jumbled mess, isn’t it? You try to analyze, breakdown, tear apart and find the root reasons for things, but sometimes, you can’t find one. Undoubtedly, in time, I will figure out some lessons and walk away with with those lessons in heart, but today, friends… today is not that day. Today is a day of comfort foods. Fried chicken and carrot cake is what the doctor has ordered. Fuck me, if that Southern upbringing doesn’t come through.

In the mean time, it’s time to practice what I preach. Self-betterment and all that. Since getting to the gym is hard right now, I have ordered the start of a home gym and even though it’s cold I will keep up my exercise routine and continue to walk as much as possible. I’ve got a lot of reading to do too and definitely will be working more on that in the coming future.

I am tired. There isn’t time to rest though. The work day has started and I need to get to it. Time to put the coffee on.

Love for the Unowned

Survive Being Little and Unowned

A common trend I’ve been noticing is littles finding themselves suddenly out of a dynamic, lost, confused and have no idea what to do. It’s understandable. Even if they were unhappy or in an unhealthy dynamic there was at least structure and rules in place to help them and guide them along. Suddenly they find themselves in the world left all alone and even as a Daddy Dom, the world can be a big and terrifying place. Just because you find yourself unowned doesn’t mean you can’t still provide self-care and in providing your own structure to your life, you can still find a little solace while you’re on the mend. 

If you find yourself in this dark and seemingly terrible place, you still have value. You still have worth. You’re still worthy of being loved. Take the time to breathe. I know that it’s scary. It hurts. You can’t breathe. I promise you, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not a freight train. Sometimes the tunnel can be long and bendy, but it’s there. You’ll make it through this.

Maintain or set up a routine. Get up by a certain time, go to bed by a certain time. You may not have a Daddy to help remind you anymore, but you can still do this. According to Brad Brenner of the Therapy Group of NYC, maintaining a routine will help you cope with your anxiety, it helps combat burnout and promotes healthy lifestyle habits. Put alarms in your phone if you need help with this. A wake up alarm, a reminder to eat by noon alarm, alarms for your medicine (if applicable), bedtime alarms. Put in an alarm for whatever you need, name it and hold yourself accountable. You can do this. Even if it’s the only thing you can do, it’s a start.

Lean on your friends and community. Your friends care about you. Lean on them to weather through this storm and if you don’t have friends you can talk to about your lifestyle, lean on your community. Most of the groups are so very supportive and many know what you’re going through and a few may be going through it themselves. Whether you realize it or not, there are people who care about you. You may feel like it, but you’re not alone.

Smile. I know this one is going to be hard, I struggle with it too when I’m sad. Even if you have to fake it, when you pass by a mirror, stop and smile at yourself. A recent study by the researchers at the University of Kansas found that even if you fake a smile, it legitimately reduces stress and will lower your heart rate. Dr. Murray Grossan, an ENT-otolaryngologist in LA even says that smiling can increase your immune system. When you’re depressed your immune system is lowered. “When you smile, the brain sees the muscle [activity] and assumes that humor is happening.” Even fake smiles can help. You’re gonna get through this. And I know it sounds silly, you’ll probably feel silly doing it, I know I did until I made it a routine. You can even add daily affirmations to this routine.

Work on self-betterment. I know this probably seems like common sense, but get therapy. You don’t even have to leave your own home anymore to see a therapist. Many insurance providers now, thanks to the post-pandemic world, provide access to many online-counseling portals where you can get therapy over web meetings. Heal yourself. Everyone has at little bit of trauma by this point in our lives. Fix yours. It took a lot for me to seek out help. I started with mental health Tiktok and when I felt comfortable with that, I branched out and got an actual therapist. Learn to be happy again and you will find things falling into place in your personal life. If you want to hit the gym, hit the gym. Even if it’s just for cardio or toning, even limited exercise has been proven to impact depression, anxiety, reduce stress and help you sleep better at night. Do something you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t for whatever the reason. Even if it’s something small. Go do it. Take a personal adventure and get it done. Pamper yourself. Get your nails done. Find some small thing that helps you feel better about yourself. For me, it’s the small things that matter the most.

It may not feel like it now, but I promise it’s not hopeless. Stay hopeful. You’re going to get through this. You’re going to be okay. The universe, God, the gods… whatever bigger thing you believe in has a way of bringing you what you need. It’s almost like a universal truth. Be your own positive force and good things will start to come your way. You got this. You’re going to get through it. It may not like seem like it now, but you’re going to be okay.

30 Days of Dominance: Day 30

The Wolf Within

Today’s discussion questions: Is your need to be Dominant being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and be happy and content without being able to express your Dominance in the way that feels best to you? What makes being a Dominant special to you?

As of right now, my needs are not being fully met, and that’s okay. Bunny and I are LDR and we do what we can for the time being. Whether or not I have a submissive does not change my core values or my true self. I almost didn’t return to the lifestyle after my last relationship. She was a narcist and manipulator and claimed to be something she wasn’t. She almost completely destroyed me. It is from those ashes that I’ve rebuilt myself. Not the same man I was before, but better, reforged, evolved even, into something new entirely.

I found myself again in these essays and editorials and I am not willing to let my true self fade back into nonexistence. I am beyond happy in refinding myself and even an ex made a comment on how she saw a return to my old self. It’s like watching the world pass you by in black and white. Then slowly, like a film noir flick, color begins seeping into being. Before you know it, the whole world is awash in 4k HD color. I can’t go back to black and white. I refuse to. 

Being Dominant is enabling. It gives me the tools and mindset to tackle anything life throws at me. I am an emotional being and I didn’t use to always be so. Finding and rekindling my Dominance has given me the ability to master myself and in so doing, master my surroundings and day to day life. I know my identity no matter what life throws at me, I know how I should respond and usually do it without even thinking about it. I take care of my business. I organize chaos. It’s a great comfort when mentally lost or when confronting something new giving myself over to the Wolf within and following that natural lead. For the second time in my life, I’m looking in the mirror and am liking the man who is staring back at me. I am the Wolf.

This series has helped heal a broken mind. It helped me pick up the scattered pieces. It enabled me to make new and dear friends. I hope that it helped you, in some way, as it helped me.