On Protectors, Mentors and Foster Daddies

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom

Perceptions from a Daddy Dom are essays, instruction pieces, and sometimes rants. I write and even text, like I talk in real life and I’m here today speaking from the heart. I offer my opinions and insights that I have gained from fifteen years of experience and through trial and error. If I offer insight, it is from the mindset of my Dominant philosophy, which is primarily that of Daddy Dom. I use the pronouns I am comfortable with, but please swap your pronouns where you feel comfortable. The lifestyle welcomes all of you. Welcome to Wonderland.

You see it on Fetlife some times and rarely mentioned in groups anymore: twuesub69 protection thiccdickDom666. What does it mean though? In the ye olde glory days, when a new member would join a Leather Community, they would gain protection of a Leather family. Within that frame of reference of protection, there were also strict protocols that covered BDSM and life based decisions while the new member of the Leather Community learned the ropes. While appreciated then, it’s return would be much valued now, if done like it used to be. Today, I see all too many “protectors” or even more loathsome still “Foster Daddies” running rampant in our various online communities.

So what is a protector supposed to be? Well, to be perfectly frank about it, it’s just like what it sounds like. A protector is supposed to ensure the safety of a submissive. They help screen and vet would be suitors, help find research, help educate and are like a gatekeeper for the submissive. While not exactly a mentor, they can definitely fulfill mentoring roles, but if your protector is on the opposite side of the slash from you, I personally discourage mentoring and we’ll get to more of that later. A good protector separates their wants and needs for what’s best for the submissive and for what the submissive wants and needs. Some protectors did and should still do, in my opinion, vet any suitor Dom before the submissive finds. That’s not to say that the submissive couldn’t vet with her protector, but the protector’s primary role is to be her defense against predators, especially in the case of those new to the lifestyle. This can and should extend into real life beyond the realm of our groups. An experienced protector can show the new sub the protocols of their local dungeon, screen potential play partners and be present for said play. 

Being a protector isn’t something that one should consider lightly. They should be experienced and understand the implications of what they are about to commit to. The prospective sub seeking a protector should vet their protector. Almost all of their questions should be experience based. By protecting someone, in its very nature, there would be a small element of power exchange involved in this relationship, but only in regards to protection and caring for the submissive. Rules, structure and punishments should never enter this level of dynamic. It is not the protector’s job to be the Dom. There should be clear and negotiated parameters for the expected protection and what the protector is protecting the sub from. 

One good example I found of a protector was a Domme that took a new sub underwing. The new sub had a problem telling perspective partners no and was getting in too deep and not recuperating enough. The Domme, after a long conversation with the sub, took her underwing and screened all potential play partners ensuring they were not pursuing the sub for just sex. In the end, the Domme relinquished her protection over the sub when the sub found a partner that wanted her for just more than play and was willing to actually be her Dom.

What about mentoring? As I had mentioned above, mentors should be on the same side of the slash that you reside on. This is purely an ethical standpoint. A Dominant can only teach a submissive how to be a good submissive for him. Not all Dominants have the same wants or needs. How do you find a mentor in our internet world? Well if you’re submissive, it’s a lot easier sadly. There are several good submissive only Facebook groups out there, some of them even leaning heavily on Old Guard traditions. I’ve been asked a few times if I would mentor a sub and I’ve told them no and pointed them either to submissives I trust or more recently, ‘networked’ groups that I know they’ll get a decent lifestyle education. Generally speaking, someone seeking mentorship should just ask their prospective mentor if they would be willing to consider it. Rarely do those offering mentorship have good intentions. 

A good mentor is someone who is experienced in the lifestyle and yes, you should vet them too. They can teach you the ropes, show you articles and essays and even help you find a local community if you haven’t already. The mentee needs to assess their own needs and what they want to develop in themselves and then identify a suitable mentor. A good mentor is someone you will feel comfortable talking to, someone you can trust and build trust with and someone who has knowledge in the areas you want to develop. For example, a mentee wants to learn rope play, they would go find a rigger.

I am so loath to even talk about Foster Daddies, but here we go… You see it pop up from time to time in the DDlg groups and I got to say, well over half of what I’ve seen and interacted with is highly predatory. That is not to say that there aren’t good and legitimate Foster Daddies out there. I am saying that I’ve yet to meet one. If you’re set on having a Foster, vet them. For the love of everything holy, vet them like you would a potential Dom or Daddy Dom. You get a single red flag, run. The chance of being groomed while you’re supposed to be feeling safe and protected is so very high, I can’t in good faith recommend it.

In an ideal world, if this worked, you would vet the potential Foster Daddy. You would negotiate for what structure and rules you needed and would negotiate any and all punishments. I would be slow to negotiate or ask for too much in the way of structure and punishment. Be careful about being trained as a submissive by anyone who isn’t your Dom. Personally, I don’t think there should be any structure from anyone who isn’t your Dom, but that’s neither here nor there. Just like with a protector. there should be no sexy time with a Foster. Again, in case you didn’t read that correctly: THERE SHOULD BE NO SEXY TIME WITH A FOSTER DADDY. Ethically, he or she shouldn’t have an interest in your princess parts. Their role should be to provide whatever structure you negotiated for while you find a forever Daddy. They should act like a protector in all other regards, including vetting your potential Daddy with you and I do say with you. Even if it doesn’t appear like you’re a part of the conversation with the potential would-be, you need to be in the know and should be able to direct questions.

8 thoughts on “On Protectors, Mentors and Foster Daddies

    • There were still predators then, but they were much less frequent than they are today. Even at the dawn of the internet age with the early days of Fetlife and Kinkfo, the BDSM/kink subforum of Craigslist, it didn’t have the predators lurking that are around today. Or at least, if they did, the powers that be did a great job of protecting the groups then.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Great post. Ive seen so many offering to mentor newbies…and the first thing brought up is kink. It’s a shame bc a lot of them get taken advantage of, or have a bad experience and either leave the LS or don’t receive the education promised.

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s