What Does Dominance Mean to You?

Whether you identify as a Dominant or a submissive, you may have some picture in your mind of what kind of person is a Dominant. What does dominance in a relationship mean to you? What traits will a Dominant have? How should a Dominant behave?

My mental picture of a Dominant is an amalgamation of Gomez Adams, John Wayne and Michael Lee Aday, better known as Meat Loaf. It’s an odd combination for sure, but walk down the rabbit hole with me. Gomez brings the unrivaled romance. He is suave, passionate, eccentric, macabre. Gomez, of the three is the sadist. He loves all things ghastly and violent. The Duke brings the hard, strict Dominance. He’s no nonsense, appreciates the good girl, and will bend her over his knee and spank her in public when she needs it. He is a provider and supportive. He is cool and collected, but can be quick to anger when the wrong buttons are pushed. Meat Loaf, may he rest in peace, from Eddie in The Rocky Horror Picture Show to his persona show performer as Meat, Michael brings the wild side and lust. He also brings the contract to the table, after all, he outlined very clearly what he would and would not do for love.

Dominance in a relationship to me is leading by example, protecting my submissive, and providing unparalleled care and support. It is guiding her to be her best self. To support her dreams and ambitions while building my own. It is exploration of carnal lust and desire. It is fulfilment on a very deep physical, mental and soulful level. It is so much more than just power and consensual control. It is ensuring that we both have a safe place and we both support one another. There is a line that I absolutely adore in The New Topping Book. To paraphrase: The submissive gives up her power so that she can fly. The Dominant uses that power to soar with her. Dominance is guiding both of us, my submissive and I, to a harmonious place of balance, safety and love.

As mentioned above through discussing my mental image of the Dominant, a good Dominant should be passionate, consistent, a provider, supportive, and endeavor to be and bring calm. Through passion, a Dominant shows his submissive is wanted. Not just physically either. He should be passionate about all of her, not just her body. Drink in her mind and soul. Consume all of her. Through consistency, a Dominant provides support and structure. He becomes her anchor and she becomes his. Being a provider doesn’t mean financially, though it can. In this sense, I mean providing for and meeting her needs as she meets mine. I will give 100% of myself to my submissive and I expect the same in return. Anything else is doomed to failure. A good Dom is supportive. He motivates and pushes. He encourages his sub to be the best version he sees in her and who she wants to be. He is her rock and safe harbor. A good Dominant brings the calm. He enables her to just be. He accepts her for who she is. He is her peace.

A Dominant should always be on his best behavior, in my opinion. He should be able to look at the reflection of himself and be content and happy with the person he sees. He should always strive to be his best self. If he is in conflict, he should work to resolve and reconcile the parts of himself that are in conflict. He cannot bring or be peace if he cannot first find it within himself. He should be genuine and never duplicitous. He should be trustworthy and honest and act with integrity. He should be respectful. He should endeavor to be kind. I personally find it hard sometimes, to find kindness for strangers, but it is something I will always strive to be.