We talk a lot in the lifestyle about managing your dynamic, communicating with your partner, love languages, alternative love languages (a big favorite of mine), how to be a better Dominant or submissive, but very rarely do we take the time to talk about managing yourself after a loss in dynamic.
The loss hurts. It can be crippling. It is so much worse than “just a breakup”. The expectations and trust that are placed in your partner are so immense, it is natural that there is an emptiness left when facing the end of a LS dynamic.
From a psychological standpoint, you are mourning the same losses as a vanilla relationship. You mourn what was, the memories, and what could have been, the hope. What could have been has always been the hardest for me. I am a hopeful romantic at heart. In a romantic BDSM dynamic, you are essentially losing two relationships. It can be devastating.
So how to you manage the loss? For me, I work a lot on myself. I spend much time in reflection. Looking for lessons to learn and mistakes made that can be avoided in the future. It may take a while, but I will eventually re-center and find my own happy place and limited peace. I am wired to be a caregiver. While I can find happiness within myself, I will always feel a little incomplete when flying solo.
Maintain your routines. You’ll probably feel a little bit like a zombie, but self-care is so very important in healing and recovery from the emotional trauma of losing your emotional bonds. Maintaining your routines keeps a since of normalcy. Some may shift or phase out if there were tasks associated with your routines, but keeping your schedule, remembering to eat, and take care of your needs. It may seem hard now, but you can function without them.
Start journaling or continue to journal. Even if it’s not something you share with anyone else, get your thoughts and feelings out. It can be difficult at first putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard, but getting the feelings that you’re struggling with out and into the open is an amazing way to process and heal. Explore your feelings. It’s okay to be sad.
It may take some time before you can find it in yourself to do it, but wish them well. Don’t harbor negative feelings and emotions. Even if you never tell them to their face or over text, wish them well. Give yourself that closure and it, at least for me, is such a cathartic release.
Remember to breathe. Listen to your sad songs. Cry. Get it out. Eventually there will be a rainbow to accompany your storm clouds.