Kindness, Patience and Pain

For a long time, in fact probably most of my life, I have endeavored to be kind and patient. It hasn’t always worked out that way. Patience is something that came slowly to me. It wasn’t something instilled as a child and when I reached adulthood, I chased instant gratification. Patience, was something that was struggled with and hard learned. There is a lot of regret, for me, in some of that. There were relationships in the past that I wish I would have been able to have been patient.

With Bunny, I feel that I was able to exercise a lot of patience. With age, wisdom – kind of thing. In the end, what was filled with love became toxic and hurtful. I can’t nail down exactly with the shift changed. I’ve tried. I’ve mulled over the last few months endlessly. In hindsight, we probably weren’t fully healed from our previous hurts with each other, but it did become something that was filled with more hurt than love and when expressing that hurt, in trying to process, cope and deal with it, she either consciously, or subconsciously, it really doesn’t matter at this point, intentionally drove a purposeful wedge and knife between us. At that point, that exact moment, I had reached my fill of hurt.

In trying to understand what happened, I gave us some time apart before trying to talk to her more. I needed space and she did too, if she realized it or not. In that dialogue, it turned more toxic as explanations of hurt came across as vicious knife blows. Bite the hand that feeds once and I will be patient and attempt to understand. Bite it twice and my patience will immediately vanish and so will my kindness.

Due to my own past trauma, I will not, can not, and refuse to be an emotional punching bag. I won’t… can’t do it again. I weathered through that storm for five years. I will not do it again. It is not in me anymore.

I wish her well. I hope she finds the peace that she needs. I sincerely hope that she finds happiness and love.

I debated and weighed this heavily and instead of retreating inward, I wanted to write about it. I will revert back to my pre-Bunny plans: spend time in reflection in self improvement. Be the best Wolf I can be and to continue sharing from experience.

For the first time in what feels like weeks, I slept peacefully and soundly last night. That alone tells me I made the right decision. So, here’s to mending, reflection and self improvement.

8 thoughts on “Kindness, Patience and Pain

  1. Doing the right thing for yourself can be really difficult particularly for people who didn’t have good modeling of that as children. It is so good that you can do that for yourself. It will lead you, I believe, to the life you want and deserve. I look forward to your posts describing that journey.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. When I met my husband, he was twenty-four and I was seventeen. I was extremely volatile because of the way I was raised. He was unbelievably patient, especially for his age. But his refusal to rise to my venom didn’t make me think it was okay to treat him that way, it made me ashamed, and made me want to be better. A patient man can heal, but the willingness to change has to be there too. It sounds like you did everything you could. Hope you feel better soon 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Very sorry for what had happened. You can nurture a relationship when both parties are in it together. But when the other keeps on hurting the relationship and therefore you, the word “No” is appropriate and needed. Take time in your search. But take more time to heal yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

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