It’s Okay to be Needy

This is something that has bothered me for a long time, but wasn’t really brought to the light of thought until a wonderful reader brought an article to my attention. This is always been something I’ve addressed privately with my submissive that I feel like should be addressed by the community as a whole and it is this: It is okay to be needy. There is no such thing as too needy.

There is a dichotomy in neediness and it is one that we can do without. Hear me out. When a man desires something or someone he is viewed as passionate. When they are not receiving what they desire, want crave, need, it is viewed being deprived or even emasculated. When a man isn’t getting what he needs, it is normally accepted for him to go out and find it often with a bizarre social understanding from everyone else. After all, how can you expect the dog to stay under the porch if you’re not going to pet it? When a woman isn’t getting what she desires, craves, wants, desires, or needs, she is often viewed as burdensome, nagging, clingy or needy.

You even see this in the lifestyle. As post subjects in Facebook groups or on Fetlife or in the comment sections, submissives express this sentiment very often: “I am too needy for my Dom/Daddy/Sir.” While I can’t speak for all D-types, I can assure you for me, there is no such thing.

You are not too needy. It’s not possible. You are needy because you have needs. A submissive can feel a negative connotation with this neediness for a multitude of reasons, but I feel a very large underlaying root of this is because they have felt, expressed or maybe even suppressed these needs for such a long time and when they tried to express their need they were shutdown in the past. Someone at some point, maybe even the submissive them self, made them feel bad about having a need for something to make them feel more complete or to have a desire satiated.

As a Dom, especially as a sadist Daddy, I have needs too. They’re very real and I tend to those needs very passionately. As a Dom, I thrive on being needed. The attention a sub needs, the structure she craves, the rules, the security, the focus and attentiveness, the emotions, all of it… it is never too much. I need all of those things too, or in certain cases, I need to to provide them. Without them, I too feel incomplete. I feel lost and starved and alone when I am not needed. My neediness matches hers.

Your needs are part of what defines you. They tell a story about who you are and where you’ve been. A good Dom will acknowledge your needs. They will be anticipated. They should be thought about, discussed, measured and tended. It is okay to be needy. We need it too.

16 thoughts on “It’s Okay to be Needy

  1. All I can say is thank you for this post. It is so very true. Subs are needy, needy for what their Dom provides. Hopefully they find a Dom that needs to provide it. It is the magic of the D/s dynamic. Long live neediness.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I really needed to hear this, Storm… thank you! Sometimes, I feel way too needy in my Dynamic. But I took what you wrote here to heart and I will be more gentle with myself next time I find myself feeling that way. GREAT post! XOXO

    Liked by 2 people

  3. In my experience, being submissive sometimes stems from a place of insecurity. Feeling like you are not good enough can translate into a need to serve, to have clear rules and expectations and then be offered the opportunity to meet them. For me, it has made huge strides in healing my self-esteem. When a sub is being ‘needy,’ they are often actually struggling because they aren’t getting the opportunity to heal those wounds, which then exacerbates that anxiety. A good Dom will at least try to understand and respect that, not make their sub feel like they are asking too much from them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t think insecurity always translates to submissiveness though. A lot of Doms deal with insecurity as well. They’re not just as vocal in it. I know that personally, I sometimes have devastating intrusive thoughts but I deal with it internally and only lean on my submissive emotionally when it becomes too much to bear,

      Liked by 2 people

  4. “A good Dom will at least try to understand and respect that, not make their sub feel like they are asking too much from them.” Is still an excellent point. In training, I start slow and work my way up. It is methodical and it is out of a desire to see my submissive succeed. Personally, if I’ve made her feel like I’m asking too much, I would feel like I dropped the ball. This why I think that it’s so important to keep negotiations open as an ongoing evolution of the dynamic.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Yes, Storm! I’m clapping over here! What an excellent post. Every sub needs to read this post by you and make it their mantra that it’s okay to be needy and express those needs as they arise. So well written! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • This one by is one of my top viewed, commented and replied to posts on Facebook. It’s right up there with both of my Alternative Love Languages essays. I was surprised it didn’t gain as much traction on Fetlife. Fet is hit or miss, I suppose. I agree though. It should be acknowledged more.

      Liked by 1 person

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