This week I have received many affirming words from strangers. Normally, I wouldn’t think too much about this. I would say thank you for it is always good to receive validation that I am on the right path. I would tell them how humbling it is, because honestly, it is. Some of the stories they tell me that led them to this point, this interaction with me, is mind-blowing. Some how, some way, they either found or were directed to this place and my words, my thoughts, helped them. That last part is truly significant.
I suppose it is normal when exiting a dynamic that one plays with self-doubt. There’s not a lot written on the subject and I don’t have many other D-types to lean on. Either their fearful to talk about it or have the same lingering self-doubts. It is rare for the good D-types to even speak publicly anymore and it’s the internet’s fault. I remember once when offering insight on how to get proficient with a skill that self testing was important, that several people claiming to be Old Guard called me fake and a closest submissive. I was floored. How could a good Dom not want to make sure he or she understood the scene they were planning to it’s fullest extent? I am a sadist. I do not have a masochistic bone in my body, but I need to know what my sub will experience over the course of a scene. This is important for a few reasons. One, I need to know how to do it correctly without causing real, serious injury. Two, it aids me in planning aftercare. Three, it gives me practical working knowledge without having to experiment on the person I’m supposed to be protective over. Clearly, those concerns and worries are the hallmark of a fake Dom.
The point is, I have been struggling. I have wondered if I am on the right path and if I will ever find who I’m looking for. I used to say that I was a hopeless romantic and in exploring it more, I am not hopeless, I am hopeful. I know she is out there. Probably as lost as I am right now. The words of thanks, validation and hope I’ve received this week were needed. Thank you A, K and M. While your paths have been burdensome, I am glad my words and thoughts have brought you reassurance and some level of peace. Your kindness did the same for me.
Expect some rants in the near future. I’ve seen some things that have properly raised my ire and I’ve been mulling them over before putting fingers to keyboard. Time to finish my morning coffee, meditation and mindfulness exercises.