For most of us, before we find our forever Dom or forever sub, if that’s what you’re looking for, there will be some trial and error. So when the dynamic ends and your heart begins the process of healing what can you walk away with? Hopefully, how I cope and learn can help you. I spend a lot of time in reflection.
Did I miss something in vetting? Thankfully, this doesn’t happen often anymore. My vetting process is pretty thorough and it weeds out a lot of potential issues early. However, I am human and I do make mistakes. It’s still worth examining to see if I missed covering something that led to a problem.
Was there a red flag I missed? Can I see it now? Did I ignore red flags? This one always gains the benefit of hindsight. Make sure you take time to carefully go through and examine these questions when looking back. Did you learn anything new that you want to add to your red flag list? That’s okay too.
What mistakes did I make? How can I prevent the same mistakes from happening in the future? The answer to some of these questions can sometimes be painful. Self reflection and self improvement isn’t always a clean and tidy thing. Sometimes, it’s messy, sometimes it’s ugly. That’s okay. It’s easy to point all the fingers at your ex, but give yourself the time to consider what things you could have potentially errored with.
I also take time and discuss my previous dynamic with a few trusted friends in the lifestyle. Maybe they saw something I missed. I am lucky in this regard. I have a dear friend not in the lifestyle, but is at least open-minded, and a few close trusted friends who live it. I get outside perspective from both vanilla and kink-minded individuals.
It’s easy to focus on all of the bad when a dynamic ends, but chances are it wasn’t all bad. Take time to note the good things in the relationship too. What were things you liked? What worked well? Was there anything new that you hadn’t experienced before that you liked?
Breakups are hard. Ending a dynamic is harder still. Give yourself time to learn from what went wrong while you’re healing. Be kind to yourself. You’re going to make it through this.