Perceptions from a Daddy Dom are essays, instruction pieces, and sometimes rants. I write and even text, like I talk in real life and I’m here today speaking from the heart. I offer my opinions and insight that I have gained from fifteen years of experience and through trial and error. When I offer insight, it is from the mindset of my Dominant philosophy, which is primarily that of Daddy Dom. I use the pronouns I am comfortable with, but please swap your pronouns where you feel comfortable. The lifestyle welcomes all of you. Welcome to Wonderland.
As companion to An Introduction to Vetting – How I Do What I Do and Red Flags for Daddies I wanted to work on a similar vetting breakdown like I did for How to Vet a Potential Daddy Dom but for the Dominant. To be frank, this is long over due to let’s get into it.
Vetting is a combination of getting to know you questions and, in the later stages, a little bit of lifestyle dating. You want to present yourself respectfully, but as you are. As mentioned before, don’t try to be someone you’re not. I promise you, if you do, your prospective sub will see it a mile away and you will trip a lot of red flags. Be yourself. Be consistent. Be firm, kind, and genuine. If you’re new, take time to educate yourself on terms and definitions. Nobody will hold your hand through this. Do more than just read this or a BDSM 101 thing off Google. The submissive you are talking to has actively chosen this lifestyle, be it 24/7 or in the bedroom only. Also, let’s take some time and figure out what you’re wanting. This will greatly impact how and what you should be vetting for. Are you wanting bedroom only kink? Are you wanting 24/7? How much authority do you want in your power exchange if you’re wanting 24/7? These are questions you need to have thought about and weighed.
Vetting will be a slow process. It will take time. There’s a lot of arguments on how long vetting should take. In my personal opinion, vetting should take months, not weeks. Don’t rush it. Believe me, it’s not worth rushing. Going to the old colloquialism: Good things come to those that wait. Every single time I’ve sped up how or why I do things, it’s always bit me in the ass. Are you looking for a long-term or short-term partner? You’re going to be looking at emotional responses, emotional availability, emotional maturity, consistency, strength of character, sexual compatibility, their level of self-awareness, experience, and more based on what you’re wanting. Take time during the early stages of getting to know your prospective sub to build a genuine and real friendship. At the very least, you potentially walk away with a new friend.
When framing your questions, you want to be looking mainly at two categories: experience and compatibility. Experience questions are important because they let you know where she’s at in her journey. When answering her experience based questions, she’ll see where you are. Don’t be afraid to admit you haven’t looked into something if asked, but be honest if you’re unfamiliar with a certain practice or novice in skill. BDSM covers a lot. It’s impossible to know everything. Compatibility will cover a wide gamut of play styles and kinks, but not so much favorite foods and movies. Those will be discussed undoubtedly of course. We are so much more than our kinks, but that will not be discussed as such here.
A very important note on vetting from me to you. Do not ask her for sexy time while vetting. There will be plenty of time for that in the future, but I cannot stress enough that this should wait until after you’ve completed your vetting process. When engaging in play, our brains release oxytocin. Oxytocin is the love hormone and it will cloud your judgment. Avoid clouding your judgment while vetting.
These questions are meant to be incremental. As your prospective little moves through the questions, they should become more and more important. These are not by any means all the questions you should ask, but they are a good guideline. Feel free to add your own for things that matter to you.
- How long have you been in the lifestyle?
- How did you discover you are submissive?
- What do you see as the difference between a bottom, a submissive and a little?
- How long did it take you to realize you were a little?
- Did you train or learn to become a submissive?
- What moment in your experience as a submissive/little stands out most?
- Does being a submissive/little pour into your everyday life?
- Can you turn it off or on when you want to?
- What is a day with you as a little like?
- What is a day with you not being in a little role like?
- Are there any other aspects of being a submissive you embrace? Such as primal tendencies, service, etc?
- How do you express those other aspects with a Dom?
- Have you had a Daddy Dom before?
- How many Daddy Doms have you had?
- How long did each relationship last?
- What about other Dominant types?
- Why did each relationship end?
- Would any of them come back if you were available?
- What are your stressors and triggers?
- What are your preferred methods to destress?
- How important are your little items like stuffies, pacies, clothing items?
- What does littlespace mean to you?
- How do you participate in littlespace?
- If you are in littlespace, how is the best way to bring you out?
- Do you know what SSC means?
- What does safe, sane and consensual mean to you?
- Do you practice safe, sane and consensual as a safety philosophy, RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) or PRICK (Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink)?
- What kind of aftercare do you prefer?
- Can you explain how you would perform aftercare?
- What is the most difficult scene you have ever done and what did you learn from it?
- How would you set a scene from start to finish?
- What is a dream scene you want to do, but haven’t been able to do yet?
- What wouldn’t you do?
- Would you respect my hard limits?
- What are your hard limits?
- How sexual do you think a little should be?
- How important is sex and orgasms to you?
- Do you need them?
- Would you ever deny sex to your partner/Dominant? If so, why?
- Are you willing to meet with me several times before we play together?
- Would you be willing to provide identification before we met?
- Are you willing to accept that I am not your Dominant until I make the decision to be such a person to you?
- Are you willing to accept that I will not engage in Dominant/submissive dynamic and behavior to you until I feel comfortable doing so?
- How do you nurture a Dominant to build trust?
- Do you build on what you find out about their potential?
- Do you obey the rules/contract after they have been negotiated?
- Do you accept guidance?
- Do we do timeouts to discuss progress and problems together?
- Do you use safewords? If so, what ones do you like to use?
- Do ever you feel like you don’t need a safeword?
- How will you react if I safeword?
- Do you respond to impact play?
- How do you feel about discipline?
- How do you respond to discipline?
- When learning, how do you learn best?
- How would you handle those with health issues?
- Do you have any physical health issues? Are they being addressed/treated?
- Do you have any mental health issues? Are they being addressed/treated?
During your vetting, take notes or at least keep mental notes. What pleases you, displeases you, worries you? What red flags are there? What green flags are there? Everyone will have good and bad. If at any point, the bad starts to outweigh the good or you’re starting to question if she’s the right one, then err on the side of caution. There are plenty of fish in the sea, my friend. End things amicably and again cast out your net when you’re ready. It’s important to end things amicably. Your reputation matters and how you end things will inevitably be a topic of discussion.