What goes up must come down. Subspace is the most common of the highs in D/s, but we know from experience that Dom or top space is real too. Which means sub and dom drop are real possibilities after you have intense kinky moments together. Drop won’t happen every time, and it won’t affect you the same way each time either. But it’s important to recognize what can cause it, and what it might feel like. You can’t eliminate it completely, but you can prepare for it.
Have you ever felt a drop after kinky play? Can you come up with some ways you might help yourself or your partner through it?
Drop is a son of a bitch. Countless essays and articles have been written on drop from a submissive and new Dom prospective, but what about for the more experienced Doms? Can drop still happen? Of course it can. As the chemicals that produce the highs that make us fly drain from the body, as the adrenaline rush fades, as the moments of crystal clear clarity fade, drop can rear it’s ugly head. I don’t experience drop from guilt anymore. I know that my sub/little has negotiated for the scenes and punishments that we play. I do get drop from the vacating chemical rushes. Those moments are rare, but when they do happen, I feel completely drained. In those moments, All I want is to snuggle up with my submissive and hold her. To feel her skin pressed against mine. To feel her breath exhale against my chest.
Drop may not happen immediately after play either. It can happen in the days to following a scene. A good Dominant will become familiar with his sub and her patterns and be able to anticipate some drops. I do same some because drop doesn’t always happen. For me, I make sure I am always available afterwards. Words of encouragement, praise and reassurance will go a long ways in reminding her of her value, importance and worth, and when we can, all the physical affection she may require.
Subspace or top/dom space isn’t a guarantee every time you get kinky or in every D/s relationship. The feeling comes from the endorphins, dopamine, and other feel good chemicals our brain produces in a really intense scene. Submissives report feeling floaty while many Dominants say it gives them hyper focus. Science backs this up, too.
So today, this is more about learning what it is but also understanding you won’t always get there. For most of us that “space” is amazing, but it shouldn’t be the goal. Mutual pleasure, a release of emotions and tension, or the fulfillment of your desires are much better things to shoot for.
In reflection, I don’t think I’ve ever set out and created a scene designed to send my submissive to space. Everything I’ve ever done has been for enjoyment, in this regard, but never designed for actual space. I can and will learn my sub’s triggers to launch her into subspace, but that isn’t the goal for these activities, it’s a fortunate biproduct or reaction. Scenes and play, in my opinion, are for dirty, kinky fun. Yes, sometimes they’re for punishment too, but that’s not why I do what I do. Even as a sadist, I don’t want to be all wrath and punishment, in fact, it’s a side of D/s I really don’t enjoy, but will enforce.
You might have never heard of subfrenzy and still experienced it whether as the submissive or a Dominant. It’s a moment that happens for new submissives or submissives in new relationships where they get a little intense about their submission, sometimes to the detriment of their own safety. It can be overwhelming in healthy relationships and dangerous in bad relationships. It’s good to know what it is and how to recognize it, even if you’re past the point of thinking you’ll be affected by it.
Subfrenzy can be super harmful to a submissive and even the Dominant, albeit in a different manner. With the sub, in a new relationship, they can be excited. Maybe this Dom is a type they’ve never been with before, maybe they’ve never fully submitted before and this Dom is “the one”. As a Dominant, it is the Dom’s job to watch for the over eagerness than can lead the sub into trying things they’re either not ready for or aren’t fully aware of. Yes, the submissive should be doing research to, but the Dominant is leader. The root of the responsibility begins there, in my opinion.
How do you know a submissive is in subfrenzy?
Playing too soon with someone they just met.
Playing too often and not taking the time to process mentally and emotionally, or even taking the time to physically heal.
Engaging in types of play without being properly educated on the risks, or even engaging in play they really don’t want to be in, or wouldn’t normally consider
They agree with everything.
They don’t ask questions, negotiate or make requests of their own.
The aftermath of subfrenzy will naturally hurt the sub. She can feel used, abused and physically hurt. The Dominant, if their responsible but unaware (something that can be common with newer Doms), can feel terrible guilt. It’s okay to take things slow. Feel things out. Experiment. It’s okay to decide afterwards, or even during a scene, that it’s not for either of you. Doms can safeword out too.
In some D/s relationships (including ours), there is an agreement that the submissive will always be sexually available to their Dominant. While this can be a kinky, sexy aspect of a relationship, it always requires a great deal of trust from the submissive and responsibility from the Dominant.
What do you think? Does it sound deliciously sexy? Or does it not sound appealing at all?
When I was a younger man, I would have left in heartbeat if sex wasn’t on the table. With age and a little bit of wisdom, I understand so much more than that young hornball ever did. You can accomplish so much more when you start with her mind.
If you don’t know a lot about the brain, I really suggest at least brushing up on what really drives us a people. I find it to be obscenely fascinating. There’s this chemical our pituitary gland releases called oxytocin and oxytocin acts as a messenger and impacts many behaviors including sexual arousal, recognition, trust, romantic attachment and even mother/infant bonding. Oxytocin has been called the ‘love hormone’ or ‘cuddle chemical’. We are chemically wired to crave oxytocin. Some of us get greater amounts released from the pituitary gland during orgasm than others. Some of us are able to get large amounts released by mere physical non-sexual intimacy such as cuddling or holding hands. Oxytocin can also promote monogamy. Which makes me want read a study on monogamists polygamists and the amounts of oxytocin released, but I’m starting to digress…
Sex, is important. It isn’t as important to me now as I near my 40s, but it was at one point a driving focus in my younger days. Sex can be primal or romantic, and should always be thorough and passionate. “What Daddy wants, Daddy gets” has been negotiated with Bunny. That being said, as she is Taken in Hand, her needs are just as important as my needs.
When we last covered Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s, we went over sex isn’t a requirement and today we’re talking about orgasms. Weird, huh? Every thing we do in BDSM is on a spectrum of activity. Sex is no different.
Orgasm control encompasses a lot of different play. Begging for permission, denial, edging, forced orgasms, and even coming on command – there’s a lot there. Some people (like us) say, “We want it all!” And others only like certain parts of orgasm control. If you don’t like the idea of it at all, that’s okay, too. This is a good time to think about what you know about orgasm control and what you think (or know) you want.
Sensory play is one of my biggest kinks. What thrill there is then in denying or even edging sensation? Ensue wolfish smile. In every since of what I’m about to tell you, it is in making her quiver and beg for it. “Please, Daddy?” From the tremble in her voice to the when she finally gets that release, the full mental, physical and even emotional enjoyment and blissful satisfaction of watching the waves of euphoria and built up pleasure send her body into rocking full-body shockwaves. From the moment she begs to watching her hips buck uncontrollably, I am immediately sent spinning into Domspace. I soar with her as she releases herself and ride the waves with her. It is the highest of highs I can reach as a Dom.
The folks at Loving BDSM are big champions of getting out into the local kink community. It’s not always possible for everyone, and sometimes the local community isn’t the right fit. But if you haven’t tried it yet, it’s definitely worth thinking about. You meet more people. You learn new things. And you spend time with people who understand you on a level you might not be used to. Today, think about whether you think you’ll find a munch, a club, or a party.
Have you done it in the past? What was your experience? Are you nervous or shy? Explore your feelings and consider whether the local community is a viable option for you.
It was early late 2006/early 2007 when I found the local kink community of San Francisco. I went to a munch and then the Citadel. The munch was fantastic. Normal people just talking about the things they loved in and out of the lifestyle. I was a little shy due to my being in introvert, but I was able to overcome it quickly and be social. When I went later to the Citadel, I met a different group of people that had some of the folks from the munch mingled in and they were so awful, snobby and pretentious, I had no desire to ever go back. You ever see the South Park were they’re all walking around and farting in wine glasses and then smelling their own farts? It was worse than that.
I am a selective introvert that is getting worse with my introversion the older I get. Between the pandemic, my physical limitations due to past injury, and my tolerance for other people’s bullshit, I have little interest in talking to people or investing time in to people that do not share the same interests and hobbies as I do. I’m only 38, but sometimes, I feel like a crotchety, cranky old man. Get off my fucking lawn.
I want to check out the local community where I am at now, but I will wait until Bunny and I can go together. As a gentleman and Dominant, I feel that it behooves me to not put myself in a situation in which Bunny needs to question me or my intent. I can respectfully wait to have her on my arm and make an entrance that way.
Yes, we know your D/s relationship is real life. Of course it is. But the rest of life sometimes interferes with the kinky shenanigans you’d rather be having. Illness, death, finances – it all makes an impact on how much (if any) D or s is going on. Think about it for a while. Wrap your mind around the idea.
Does it surprise you that you might not maintain the same level of D/s during the stressful times? Do you think you know how you’ll handle your relationship when it does? What ideas can you consider that might help you when this happens?
Sometimes life gets in the way. It is inevitable. When that happens, it is okay to put a moratorium on the dynamic, if it is needed. I have learned, however, that it’s important to put a date on the break. To pick when you will circle back to it and resume what you both need. Maybe negotiations have to be done to adjust for whatever caused the need for a moratorium, but it’s important to come back to the dynamic. It is a core component to who you both are and it will more than likely cause resentment if abandoned for long. I know it did for me. Learn from my mistakes: Put a date on any breaks you need and make sure to come back and revaluate. Needs change all the time. It’s how you incorporate them going forward that will define your dynamic and relationship.
Long distance relationships, trips without your partner, simply not living together – it all adds up to one thing: being D/s even when you’re not together. The solution you find for your relationship will be specific to you and to your circumstances, but if you’re already living through a long distance relationship or you think you might one day, it’s good to think about how to make it work when you’re apart.
Long distance relationships are hard. Maintaining a D/s and a long distance relationship is even harder. Why then do so many people, yours truly included, find themselves at this point? For me, I am unwilling to settle. I settled with my second wife and despite promising myself I wouldn’t do it again, I settled with my third. The last one is really a hindsight kind of awareness, but it doesn’t change the fact that I actually settled with her. In my unwillingness to settle, I have become aware that generally speaking, I will not find what I want easily. I was prepared to cast my net wide to look for my fish, but in all honesty, I did not find her, Bunny found me.
We met in a FB group. She was doing a 30 Days of Littlespace discussion and I had posted up as a discussion topic one of my answers from 30 Days of Dominance and she asked if for the link to the discussion prompts in the comments. I went to PM her, per her request which is the etiquette in good groups, but opened profile instead by misclicking. “Well,” I thought to myself, “We’re already here. What’s the harm in snooping around?” Right away, I was drawn to her cover image. It was something she had made with her art. It was a girl in a dinosaur onesie stomping around, holding a t-rex stuffie and it said, “just a girl who loves dinosaurs.” The second thing that made me want to know to get know her was a post asking what she should name her reaper, a recent acquisition for her on Ark. I was immediately enthralled. It isn’t often you get to meet people that play Ark outside of interacting with them in Ark. I decided right then and there, I would do my best to be her friend. After all, I wasn’t looking for anything more and what would be the worst that could happen? She didn’t want to be my friend? These were acceptable terms. After sending the link, we began to talk about Ark and dinosaurs.
The rest for us, is history. We’ve had some ups and downs, but I wouldn’t trade my dynamic, or my relationship with her, for the world. But how do we maintain our D/s in long distance? The best tool that we are currently utilizing is the Obedience app. For those of you that are unfamiliar, it it a task tracking app that awards points for completing tasks that are set by the Dominant. Rewards are set as well. The app goes so far in depth that I can adjust points based on frequency, being able to complete tasks more than once, point multipliers for, giving no points at all, to even sending a well done message when completed. Obedience works for us. Mainly, in my opinion, because it gives Bunny a visual reminder and the app can be set with reminders for her. Bunny is first and foremost a good girl. If something is in the rules in regards to tasks, she wants to complete the tasks. This makes managing her easy and if she misses as task, we talk about it. Sometimes the app bugs out and doesn’t track them correctly.
Bunny and I maintain near constant communication. It may be 15-20 minutes between messages sometimes, but I make myself constantly available for her. This helps both of us. Communication is really big for me and is something we struggled with in the beginning, but we’ve ironed ourselves out and have developed a solid routine that works for us.
I’ve also recently started asking if there is more I could be doing for her and will continue this check-in on a monthly basis. This serves two purposes. One, it helps me battle complacency on my end. It ensures, for me, that I’m staying present and am making sure I am meeting her needs just as much as she is meeting mine. Secondly, it helps me dial in more to her and her needs. If I’ve dropped the ball or she needs something more, it makes sure I am managing our relationship to the best of our capabilities/limitations.
Let us be clear, in D/s, pain isn’t a requirement. You don’t have to be a masochist or a sadist to be D/s. But it’s always good to have an idea of where you stand on the subject.
As a submissive, would you consent to a painful spanking as punishment? As a Dominant, do you want to inflict pain on your submissive? Does the idea of it turn you on or off?
When I saw this prompt, I have to admit, I could literally feel the deviant, wolfish smile play across my lips, I reveled at the topic at hand before even opening the email to see the full question. I licked my teeth, readjusted myself and opened the email. A whole topic on pain and sadism? How decadently delicious.
I don’t want to inflict pain on my submissive. I need it. There is a very clear distinction to be made here. From over the knee spankings to her strapped to the bed and receiving my affection through being caned, I need/want/desire/crave to inflict pain. I want the anticipation and build up from scene negotiation. I want to talk about it before we do it. I want to talk about expectations. I want to talk about what will happen. I want to talk about the tender affections in aftercare. I then, want to slowly gaze upon her willing body. I want to sip and slowly drink in the sight of her. I want to watch her shiver as a select a tool and watch her skin goosebump as I caress the leather across her skin. I want to see her reaction and smell her anticipation as I whisper into her ear what a good girl she is. I want to revel in watching her flesh recoil from impact and feel the vibration travel through my wrist and into my arm. I want to watch the glow of her skin react to my loving affection. I want to feel the warmth spread across her flesh.
The anticipation, the build up, the act, the aftercare… all of it bliss. I want to marvel at my mark on her body. I want to kiss it, caress it, touch it. I will remind her in all the ways that she is Mine, she is owned and she is loved.
A Dominant may set the rules, but a submissive has to agree to them. Submissives may have an idea in their head what they need, but their Dominant might see another way of accomplishing the same goal. Rules are a part of the vast majority of D/s relationships from small to big.
Some rules determine behavior in public, others are about private behavior. Some rules may be more common but there’s no right or wrong here. Do you know what kind of rules you may want or need in your relationship?
Even as a Dominant, I crave structure. I need the familiarity and the outlines of how we will act together, towards each other and even having our roles outlined. Without structure, even in my personal life, I begin to flounder.
When my lil cub and I started vetting, we were in a rather unique position because I write so much in the way of essays and and we both write a ton of advice. It was easy for us to cross reference what we were saying and what had been said in the past. In our vetting, I took notes on everything. Everything. From her favorite colors, to her hobbies, to what she struggled with, to what she needed help with, health problems… everything. I used my notes and the template I use for creating structure and shaped it all to her, her needs and my needs. We negotiated what we both wanted and put our rules in place. Instead of overwhelming her with tasks, I rolled them out slowly and have continued to build up on what we both need. Her need for my structure and holding her accountable and my need to provide structure and authority.