Have You Heard of Subfrenzy?

You might have never heard of subfrenzy and still experienced it whether as the submissive or a Dominant. It’s a moment that happens for new submissives or submissives in new relationships where they get a little intense about their submission, sometimes to the detriment of their own safety. It can be overwhelming in healthy relationships and dangerous in bad relationships. It’s good to know what it is and how to recognize it, even if you’re past the point of thinking you’ll be affected by it.

Subfrenzy can be super harmful to a submissive and even the Dominant, albeit in a different manner. With the sub, in a new relationship, they can be excited. Maybe this Dom is a type they’ve never been with before, maybe they’ve never fully submitted before and this Dom is “the one”. As a Dominant, it is the Dom’s job to watch for the over eagerness than can lead the sub into trying things they’re either not ready for or aren’t fully aware of. Yes, the submissive should be doing research to, but the Dominant is leader. The root of the responsibility begins there, in my opinion.

How do you know a submissive is in subfrenzy?

  • Playing too soon with someone they just met.
  • Playing too often and not taking the time to process mentally and emotionally, or even taking the time to physically heal.
  • Engaging in types of play without being properly educated on the risks, or even engaging in play they really don’t want to be in, or wouldn’t normally consider
  • They agree with everything.
  • They don’t ask questions, negotiate or make requests of their own.

The aftermath of subfrenzy will naturally hurt the sub. She can feel used, abused and physically hurt. The Dominant, if their responsible but unaware (something that can be common with newer Doms), can feel terrible guilt. It’s okay to take things slow. Feel things out. Experiment. It’s okay to decide afterwards, or even during a scene, that it’s not for either of you. Doms can safeword out too.

What Does Submission Mean to You?

Does a submissive have certain behaviors? Do submissives do specific tasks? When you think of a submissive and submission, what thoughts come to mind?

This is a harder one for me. Every submissive I’ve ever been with has been wildly different in their approach to submission to their personality. I’ve mulled these questions over since yesterday and when putting finger to keyboard, I have ideas but have been staring at the blank screen for what feels like ages. So in usual fashion when I’m stuck on what I’m trying to say, I’m going to pound this out until coherent sentences start to coalesce into something meaningful.

I don’t think there any set behaviors for a submissive. As a Dominant, I can tell you what I look for, what I find attractive or appealing and what I won’t tolerate. Key behavioral qualities I look for include creativity, curiosity, faithfulness, caring, affectionate, compassion, kindness, pleasantness, sass, how polite they are, sincerity, reflectiveness, sensitivity, and enthusiasm. My submissive will be well-behaved. She should bring peace into my life and my home. Now, that doesn’t mean she can’t be sassy. There’s nothing wrong with a some playful banter and I find it to be enjoyable. Let me see that wit. There is a big difference, however, between sassing and bratting. One is playful and the other is disrespectful. I will not tolerate a brat. If she constantly is challenging the peace of the household, challenging me, challenging the relationship and our harmony, then in my mind, she is not ready to submit and will be released.

Submissives will have different tasks varying on their dynamic. For mine, she is a service submissive and a little. We will both idealize, modernize and blend both the 1950s lifestyle and Taken in Hand domestic disciplines. Accordingly, the household is her domain. She will also be assigned tasks based on her interests and to assist me with mine. This is something we’ve negotiated and she has expressed interest in. Through task assignment as well, you can begin to set expectations through assigning research and begin training through task assignment.

When I think of submission and my submissive, I think of harmony, peace, unconditional love and acceptance. I think of acts of service as the most beautiful of love languages and regard it almost as highly as words of affirmation. She is and will be my good girl. She can come to me in her darkest hours and if I cannot provide light for her, I will at least sit with her in the darkness. As someone who walks long and dwells heavily in their own darkness, it is a comfortable place for me. I do not mind in the least being her calming voice in the dark. As much as she leans on me, I will lean on her too. She is just as much my safe place as I am hers. Together, we can accomplish anything we set our minds to do.

What Does Dominance Mean to You?

Whether you identify as a Dominant or a submissive, you may have some picture in your mind of what kind of person is a Dominant. What does dominance in a relationship mean to you? What traits will a Dominant have? How should a Dominant behave?

My mental picture of a Dominant is an amalgamation of Gomez Adams, John Wayne and Michael Lee Aday, better known as Meat Loaf. It’s an odd combination for sure, but walk down the rabbit hole with me. Gomez brings the unrivaled romance. He is suave, passionate, eccentric, macabre. Gomez, of the three is the sadist. He loves all things ghastly and violent. The Duke brings the hard, strict Dominance. He’s no nonsense, appreciates the good girl, and will bend her over his knee and spank her in public when she needs it. He is a provider and supportive. He is cool and collected, but can be quick to anger when the wrong buttons are pushed. Meat Loaf, may he rest in peace, from Eddie in The Rocky Horror Picture Show to his persona show performer as Meat, Michael brings the wild side and lust. He also brings the contract to the table, after all, he outlined very clearly what he would and would not do for love.

Dominance in a relationship to me is leading by example, protecting my submissive, and providing unparalleled care and support. It is guiding her to be her best self. To support her dreams and ambitions while building my own. It is exploration of carnal lust and desire. It is fulfilment on a very deep physical, mental and soulful level. It is so much more than just power and consensual control. It is ensuring that we both have a safe place and we both support one another. There is a line that I absolutely adore in The New Topping Book. To paraphrase: The submissive gives up her power so that she can fly. The Dominant uses that power to soar with her. Dominance is guiding both of us, my submissive and I, to a harmonious place of balance, safety and love.

As mentioned above through discussing my mental image of the Dominant, a good Dominant should be passionate, consistent, a provider, supportive, and endeavor to be and bring calm. Through passion, a Dominant shows his submissive is wanted. Not just physically either. He should be passionate about all of her, not just her body. Drink in her mind and soul. Consume all of her. Through consistency, a Dominant provides support and structure. He becomes her anchor and she becomes his. Being a provider doesn’t mean financially, though it can. In this sense, I mean providing for and meeting her needs as she meets mine. I will give 100% of myself to my submissive and I expect the same in return. Anything else is doomed to failure. A good Dom is supportive. He motivates and pushes. He encourages his sub to be the best version he sees in her and who she wants to be. He is her rock and safe harbor. A good Dominant brings the calm. He enables her to just be. He accepts her for who she is. He is her peace.

A Dominant should always be on his best behavior, in my opinion. He should be able to look at the reflection of himself and be content and happy with the person he sees. He should always strive to be his best self. If he is in conflict, he should work to resolve and reconcile the parts of himself that are in conflict. He cannot bring or be peace if he cannot first find it within himself. He should be genuine and never duplicitous. He should be trustworthy and honest and act with integrity. He should be respectful. He should endeavor to be kind. I personally find it hard sometimes, to find kindness for strangers, but it is something I will always strive to be.

One of the Hardest Things

One of the hardest things is saying goodbye. There is never a right time it seems. It always hurts. Sometimes though, you have to do it for your own well-being.

Storm is a sappy boy.

I’ve sat at this blank screen for what seems like forever. Trying to formulate thoughts, never mind coherent sentences. There is a lot of hurt and confusion. In the end, it’s just a jumbled mess, isn’t it? You try to analyze, breakdown, tear apart and find the root reasons for things, but sometimes, you can’t find one. Undoubtedly, in time, I will figure out some lessons and walk away with with those lessons in heart, but today, friends… today is not that day. Today is a day of comfort foods. Fried chicken and carrot cake is what the doctor has ordered. Fuck me, if that Southern upbringing doesn’t come through.

In the mean time, it’s time to practice what I preach. Self-betterment and all that. Since getting to the gym is hard right now, I have ordered the start of a home gym and even though it’s cold I will keep up my exercise routine and continue to walk as much as possible. I’ve got a lot of reading to do too and definitely will be working more on that in the coming future.

I am tired. There isn’t time to rest though. The work day has started and I need to get to it. Time to put the coffee on.

A humble thank you.

I originally started this blog in 2017 then took an almost five year long break due to the events surrounding TLMB. I almost left the lifestyle due to how damaged the whole relationship left me. I didn’t know if I had it in me anymore to try again, but in healing, seeking therapy and getting the help I needed, I felt the pull, the need, the draw. The sleeping wolf began to wake.

I rejoined a select few FB groups and watched for a while, still trying to access if I wanted to do this again. To try and refind my true self. I began seeing the same heartaches and trials from five years ago in struggling Doms and submissives. Some of the trauma had even gotten worse. So, I started reaching out, in small ways. A word of encouragement there. A helpful piece of advise here. A word on validation there. All of this inevitably lead to The Gentleman Dom – Ramblings on Old World Values.

When I shared “The Gentleman Dom” to the group I was participating the heaviest in, one particular reader, Raymond, commented on it and asked if I was the same guy from five years ago and I recognized him. I was blown away that he remembered me. He told me how much I had helped him then and was glad to see that I was still around. That warmed my heart and helped me in ways that I won’t ever be able to say thank you enough for. Thank you, Raymond. You had no idea how how much those words of encouragement meant to me, let alone were needed.

Either the same day or the next day, Nora finds “The Gentleman Dom” and reblogs it and my email blows the fuck up. I didn’t know what was happening. I was blown away by the exposure. Thank you, Nora for you kind words and encouragement since returning.

To the new friends I’ve met since then and have continued to come across there are too many to name, but I’m going to try. Matt, MP. Jonathan, Jen, Kirsten, Kit, Kat, Gemma, and the ones my ADHD brain has forgot, thank you all as well. This has been an adventure and beyond validating. I cannot express to you all enough how much this support means to me.

Lastly, to Bunny, my girl who loves dinosaurs. I would have never found you had I not decided to take a chance and see if I had it in myself to come back. Thank you for being patient with me and actually emotionally supportive. It’s crazy that I even have to say that, but having not had it before, I cannot express enough how fulfilling it is to have it. I love you, princess. I look forward to the next year and watching our relationship and dynamic grow.

Here’s to 2022 guys. May this next year be everything that you need and have more of what you want. I’ll see you all tomorrow.

Big Me, Little Me

Coming off the heels of the DDLG Handbook, this was so refreshing. Right off the bat, you could feel the joy and love from the author in her writing. It is written from the little mindset and I have always enjoyed reading the submissive’s side of things 

The whole book is mostly dedicated to new littles finding their way into the lifestyle, but I suspect there is much a veteran would enjoy reading. Penny does an excellent job in defining DDlg, busting myths of the lifestyle, breaking down common roles and even goes a little into the caregiver/Daddy Dom mindset. 

Chapter II: The Psychological Side of “Little Me” was probably my favorite chapter of the whole book, being an armchair psychologist myself. She is against bratting, which I feel that is fine, and tends to draw conclusions that most littles aren’t masochists, which I feel may be a little disingenuous. Especially since I know so many of them.

Chapters III-IV outline adult babies, littles and middles. Babyboys and babygirls aren’t given much in the book. I wonder if this was a role that wasn’t defined much when the book was written. Even now, in the community, there’s arguments about definitions with the role. 

The middle part of the book is where it bogged down for me, but I can see the value in it for someone new to being a little. Penny outlines budget little products and where to find them, online resources, date ideas and even includes a little themed cookbook, and goes over a playlist designed to help struggling littles reach littlespace. All in all, valuable information. 

The sadist in my wants to love punishment chapter, but again, Penny makes some glaring statements about littles not being masochists or have masochistic tendencies. I know not all are, but I find most of them in the DDlg community, not the CGlg community, are more than they’re not. This may be part of her own philosophy and having a problem being unbiased, but seriously, this is my only gripe in the whole book. She does an amazing job everywhere else. 

The ending chapters I feel are a hidden treasure in Big Me, Little Me. Chapter XI: How to Thrive being a Solo Little includes a 25-Day training schedule of littles and I was blown away by her explanations and the actual schedule itself. If you couldn’t find Penny’s desire to help the community in the beginning of the book, you will most definitely find it here. You see it all the time in the various FB groups and on Fetlife, lost littles looking for their Daddy Dom. It’s heartbreaking. 

The book ends with Penny’s final thoughts and her personal story, which was delightful, though abbreviated. You can really tell she cares about the community and the littles she’s reaching out to over the course of the book. From how she writes to the experiences she relays, you can feel her care and passion. I definitely recommend this work for anyone new coming into the lifestyle. 

DDLG Handbook: Learning to navigate life with your little

No description available.

First, a slight rant. I didn’t look at the page count when I bought this one. It was in the ballpark of ten bucks on Amazon so I figured it would be in the realm of The Loving Dominant, Big Me, Little Me or even The New Topping Book. It’s not. For ten bucks, you get a whopping 33 pages in a book that’s not even 6” by 8.5”. The cover is thin cardstock, but the actual paper quality is impressive. Alas, that’s one of the few positive things I have to say going forward.

Out of the gate, the book talks to the reader like they know what they’re talking about. As something that’s supposed to be advertised as a handbook or manual, I find this disingenuous. There are no explanations offered into the realm power exchanged, D/s or how to provide structure, just that a Daddy should do it. 

I did enjoy the chapters on how to put your little into littlespace and what littles worry about, but it doesn’t go into what do if your little is struggling to get to littlespace, or how to pull them out. Then again, the whole chapter on little space is only four tiny pages. In the chapter on little worries, it was nice to see that actually put into writing even if it was brief. 

The best chapter by far was on aftercare. This is the clearest and best thought out part of the book. The author is able to why aftercare is important, provide some good examples of aftercare and even brings up aftercare for Daddies. The best part of all through, is where she says, “What if you don’t have time for aftercare? Then don’t be a caregiver. Or a Dom.”

I feel like this book was rushed. Almost like what I’m reading are the cliff notes to the actual meat of the book. Luriana is able to write well and communicate, but I find it greatly off putting that she speaks to the reader as if they know what they’re doing when the book is being advertised to help those that are new to the lifestyle. All in all, I feel gypped and don’t recommend this book at all.