30 Days of Dominance: Day 15

Evolution of Dominance

Today’s discussion questions: Has your Dominance evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you? What do you attribute this evolution (or lack of) to?

My Dominance has undoubtedly evolved as I have grown in the lifestyle. When I first started out, I was what many would consider to be a service Dom, some Old Guard would have argued there is no such thing, I clearly beg to differ. I can point to that is what launched me into exploring the world of BDSM. This introduction was discussed at length in my Day Five answer. An evolution of philosophy is only natural. As you learn, experiment and research you grow. As my library, collected articles, and experience grew, so too did my identity and philosophy as a Dominant.

I first transitioned from “service” Dom to sadist. As I grew with Diana so too did my need and desire for sadism. The struggle with sadism is one that took years to accept as a real and visceral need for me. While I found it deliciously fascinating, it was very much against how I was raised. It conflicted with how I was taught how a man is supposed to love and provide for a woman. In the end, I was able to not only accept and come to terms with my need, but her need as well. After all, was I not providing and caring for her through my sadism meeting her masochistic needs?

As a sadist, I entered the role of Dom as I began to explore the traditions, protocol, and structure set forth by the Old Guard in Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns and SM 101: A Realistic Introduction and The Loving Dominant. These books, the message boards on Fetlife and Kinkfo and chat rooms of the day influenced me heavily. Even today, when asked what books I should look into, those three are the ones I automatically suggest. They were the most pivotal in my early learning and the Dominant I was to become.

I awoke my primal side when I sought out further professional training in 2007. I met with a pro Domme from either Fetlife or Craigslist (CL used to be such a more interesting place), seeking to learn the ways of the cane and advanced impact play. I learned much about myself through those lessons and really came to grips with my sadist self and fully accepted that sadism and my primal self were interwoven into who I was then.

It took years before I realized I was a Daddy Dom. It was a slow realization and natural evolution of my Dominance. I’ve always been nurturing, I’ve always been a caregiver and I’ve always been a romantic, even in my Dominance. I knew I was a Daddy before I even discovered the proper labels or dynamic for my style of Dominance. Discovering the DD/lg dynamic was puzzling for me. I was attracted to so much of the Daddy-side of the dynamic, but very little of the little-side initially. I, like most people, thought it was age play and I hadn’t developed that kink yet. Over time, with the help of some dear friends, I realized that it was okay to want some of the things the s-side offered through littles, middles and babygirls.

Over the last five years, I lost myself for a while. I suppressed who and what I was due to thinking I knew what was best. Imagine that, a Daddy Dom thinking he knew what was best. I almost left the lifestyle over what happened and the trauma I went through. Discussions like these not only revitalized a slumbering wolf, but have helped many others as well. It has been so very cathartic to find myself wandering the paths of our dark Wonderland again and meeting new friends and even reconnecting with a few old ones.

As always, friends: Play safe. Play sane. Play Consensual.